


Fixing You And I

by writtenbyvenus



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Childhood Trauma, Chinese Triad, Drug Dealing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, NSFW, Oral Sex, Organized Crime, Psychological Trauma, Recreational Drug Use, Smut, Unhealthy Relationships, mafia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:01:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 37,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25903258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writtenbyvenus/pseuds/writtenbyvenus
Summary: Marriage is never supposed to be an easy-going experience. While it always will have its up and downs, the couple of Alfred and Ivan are towards their breaking point. Toxic fights, jealously, and cycles of up and down in regards to their relationship, there's no doubt that something has to change. With threats of divorce in the air, the pair seek help to save a relationship that they desperately don't want to end. However, working on themselves proves to be easier said than done, as old wounds and traumas make it challenging for them both to evolve. Ivan's past unhealthy relationships and scarring childhood clashes with Alfred's paranoia and controlling behavior due to the tragic death of his past wife.It doesn’t help that Ivan’s long time ex is in a Triad, and his past criminal activities come to surface. From drug dealing, to his locally known ecstasy he helped create years ago: The current white-collar worker had a lifestyle he wanted to leave in the past. The question remains: Will they learn to love each other healthily and get past drama, or will their differences end them up in a courtroom?"When marriage is difficult, focus on the person you're fighting for, not the person you're fighting with."
Relationships: America/Russia (Hetalia), Past China/Russia (Hetalia)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 81





	1. The Last Resort

“Hello! It’s nice to meet you! My name is Emma. Ivan and Alfred, right?”

A pretty, tall woman took a seat in her chair, glancing at the couch in front of her. She had a bright, friendly smile on her face. Her voice had a pleasant accent, somewhat European. It beamed compared to the expression of the two clients, who didn’t seem happy with the situation. The couple looked at the floor, one with his arms closed, head facing the wall. His baby face ruined with a harsh scowl. Eyebrows pushed together, with hooded eyes that looked tired, hinting he had cried. Half of the pair had his hands placed on his lap, baby blue eyes having a mix of tired and sad. He wore a five o'clock shallow on his sharp, hinting he's laziness to shave today. One’s body language appeared _hostile_ , while the other appeared _exhausted_. Surprisingly, the emotionally exhausted one decided to speak up first. “Yeah. I’m Alfred, and this my husband, Ivan.” The man offered a weak smile while pointing to his partner. Looking over to the therapist, Ivan gave a fake smile that took all the strength in his body to produce. 

Emma gave a quick introduction to her professional background, and how couples therapy worked, then turning attention to the couple “So, why don’t you tell me about yourselves? The basics at least.” She asked, clicking her pen to start writing facts about them. Alfred spoke up first again, without much hesitation. “So, I was raised here in Texas, I’m thirty-two years old. I work at my dad’s company as a manager. And Ivan’s….” He trailed off, giving Ivan the chance to say his own introduction, but the man stayed silent. “-Ivan’s thirty-three, and from Russia. He works at an aerospace company doing data processing.” He explained, giving a simple run down. 

Disappointed that Ivan wouldn’t speak up, she cut to the chase since it seemed all easy banter would come from Alfred’s lips. She took note of his comfortability speaking for Ivan. 

“So, what brings you two into my office?”

Ivan stayed silent, arms still crossed, and looking to the side. Knowing that he wouldn’t speak up until forced, Alfred spoke for him again. “We are having problems… So I thought it would be a good idea to get help…” He readjusted himself, sitting back unbothered at the moment to sit up. An overly confident facade he kept up for most was a pause. The man with a boyish face, who always had a ray of sunshine like grin on his lips, wore a tired expression. One that displayed a mix of frustration and defeat for his current relationship. There's a desired on being here, in the therapist’s office. However, arguing with his partner to come didn’t help his spirit. Just like a child who didn’t want to go to the dentist, Alfred felt like a parent dragging his kid somewhere. 

The brunette therapist took note of the _I_ statement. The thought of Alfred being the force to bring them to therapy came up, which would explain Ivan’s hostile body language and silence. Clicking the end of her pen, she pointed to her clipboard. “So, Alfred, it is your idea to bring you and your husband to therapy?” She asked, testing her theory. Proven correct by his nodding, she picked up Ivan's tensing up and foot tapping. “Yeah, I had to force him to come. He hates therapy, but I think we need help. I’m at my wit's end. I-” He rubbed the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. Pushing his glasses to his scalp, he continued “I told him if he didn’t come, I want a divorce.” Alfred showed frustration, Ivan’s body twitching at the mention of divorce. The reaction happened right on point, it clear the word divorce triggered him. 

Hearing the harsh reality of the state of their relationship, she trod lightly on the subject. “So, you both have had the conversation of ending the marriage?” Emma watched Alfred point a finger at himself, looking annoyed. “In a serious way, yes, I have. _He_ , however-” Alfred pointed his finger at his husband, his expression staying. “Is constantly threatening to leave me, so god knows when he’s serious about it. But I am-”

“I am _not_ always threatening to leave you!” Ivan slightly shouted- his voice not raised enough to be considered yelling. His body tensed up, getting more on edge, enough so to speak up. The way he crossed his arms almost turned into him holding his arms down, slightly shaking. Similar to a bottle about to explode, anger could only be kept in for long. Upset at any accusations, the need to defend himself came into play. “You have just given up on us, do not make it look like I want to leave you all the time…” Pouting somewhat childlike, he curled up slightly, his arm crossing tighter than before, and his foot tapping faster. Alfred snorted, waving his hand in his direction. Too tired to argue with Ivan’s inability to confess bad behavior, he kept his eyes on the therapist. “I haven’t given up, on us. I’m here because I want it to work. I love him, more than anything. And he can make me feel like the best man in the world. And I adore him- I just can’t do this-this cycle of… “ Alfred paused to look for the right word. “Toxicity- I can’t. It’s only gotten worse over the years. And I’m done.” He closed his eyes for a moment before sitting back again. 

Emma decided to take control of the conversation before an argument broke out. Her eyes went back and forth during the confrontation, using this moment to take note of their dynamic. While fighting in a session is never good, she did notice Ivan’s body loosened up when Alfred spoke of his love. His arms were still crossed, but his face appeared more sad than frustrated, with his foot tapping ending. Eyes looked down at the floor as a million things were running through his mind. 

Writing down a few things, Emma put her hand up in a symbol of ‘pause’. Knowing that starting with talking about the positivity of their relationship would relax the couple. “Let’s take a step back. How about you tell me how you two met? How did you get married? Let’s start positive.” She beamed her usual friendly smile, hoping to inspire a happier mood with the upset couple. 

Deciding to do the talking again, Alfred crossed his arms and looked to the side. “We met through a mutual friend…. We bonded and moved pretty fast.. We kind of met at the perfect time in our lives I think… I…” Alfred looked at the therapist in the eyes. “My wife had passed away when she was, uh, pregnant… I was in a really dark place… And he lit it up…” Alfred looked over to Ivan, his expression much softer as he thought about the beginning of their romance. Mind full of memories of Ivan brought back his smile, as known for trait. A person hadn’t made him grin, laugh, and feel loved since the death of his wife, and he became forever grateful for it. This joy is one of the reasons Alfred gave Ivan so many chances. Feeling like he owed Ivan for pulling him out of such a dark, horrible place. Alfred’s usually happy-go-lucky personality has dimmed down to a depressed, stressed man. While he would _never_ return to the same man he used to be- it was the closest he’d achieve being his old self. That Alfred had died the same day _they_ did. 

Emma frowned and felt her heart crack from Alfred’s story. “I’m so sorry Alfred… That must have been terrible to go through… To have a loss like that…” She took notice of the longing in Alfred’s eyes when he looked over at Ivan. His glossy eyes matched his husband’s, whose whole body language changed at Alfred’s comments. Body relaxed, and his arms unfolded. Turning his head, he looked at Alfred. Not smiling, his face lacked the former hostility. Emma gathered that certain subjects seemed to open Ivan up. He couldn’t stay as mad when Alfred spoke like that. They both stared at each other, then looking away. “Yeah… It… Losing someone like that changes you…” Alfred said, the tone of his voice sober. While it had been eight years, his voice always low when he spoke of his late wife. “I bet you felt… renewed meeting Ivan.” She said, with Alfred nodding. “Of course- I felt…. I can’t even put it to words, but yeah…” Taking a deep breath, Alfred attempted to control the feeling of his throat croaking. No desire to cry a couple of minutes in. Sitting up straight, he closed his eyes for a minute. “I don’t think I’ll ever be the same man as I was before. When Bella and the baby died, I don’t know- I” Shaking his head, he struggled to find words to express himself. “It was like a piece of me died with them. I always have this empty feeling in my chest- And I’ve accepted it.” 

Emma leaned in, with gentle eyes and frown. “It’s normal to feel that way… People like to tell others how to grieve- that you’ll get ‘over’ it. But it’s not about getting over it per se, but learning how to live with the grief. Learning how to cope and bring back the joy in your life. But never to move on and act as if they don’t exist.” 

Alfred nodded quickly, looking relieved and pleased that someone had said that. “Thank you! People tell me that I’ll move on as if I can just _forget_ about the years we spent together. I-“ Shaking his head again, he put his hand in the air, frustrated by his troubles explaining it. “You know what I mean.” 

Emma nodded, taking some notes on Alfred’s past relationships and development with Ivan. She eyed Ivan, whose hand had crept up, and began to rub Alfred’s shoulder. The change in the mood caused Ivan to open up. “I also was not in a good place either. I had left a very unhealthy relationship… And Alfred was- he was kind… And caring. And he made me feel good about myself. He treated me like a person, and most people do not.” He looked down when he said most , implying that socially, he might not be the most popular or got along with others. Alfred reached his hand out, taking Ivan’s carefully. He rubbed his thumb over his knuckles, his way of saying _‘I love you.’_

Emma did an airy laugh, pleased by the display of love. “You two seem… to fall back in quickly, yes?” She observed. They went from angry and giving dirty looks, to holding hands and looking apologetic in a matter of minutes. Both nodded, and while guilty, they showed the first smiles of the session. “Yeah… We do… We get mad… and then makeup… and then get mad again…”

“... And then makeup again.” 

“I can be kinda bad at staying mad at him at times… I don’t know, I’ve always been like that with the ones I love…” Alfred sighed, aware of his own problem of quick forgiveness. He had trouble staying upset with loved ones, especially when showed remorse. “Ivan knows he can bat his eyelashes and I’ll say it’s alright.” Alfred displayed a smirk, their marriage long enough to know all his tricks. 

Yet he _still_ fell for them. 

Ivan shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, no enjoyment in confrontation on his manipulative tactics. Alfred has accused him of taking advantage of his kindness and forgiving nature. He didn’t want to admit that he could be manipulative at times; using what he knew on the person to get a step ahead of them. Ivan enjoyed playing with a full deck of cards, and when someone else was at his level, he panicked. It became part of his attraction to Alfred, and part of the reason they’d fight. Alfred’s strong personality and lack of fear to stand up to Ivan and speak his mind proved a rare quality people had. Ivan’s aura oozed intimidation; even if he wasn’t trying. His smile caused people to look nervously to the side and give in to his demands. However, the trait is a blessing and a curse. Amazing when he wanted to get something from the person, but awful when he desired a genuine relationship with someone. Only special personalities could cope with Ivan, and he had enough self-awareness to realize it. 

“Well… You do not always forgive me, straight away at least… There have been many times you’ve stayed upset.” Attempting to counter Alfred's statement, it only won an eye roll from the man. “Well- of course, I’ll be mad for a while sometimes… but I always forgive you. You’re the one with grudges-” Alfred’s rant interrupted by their therapist, trying to avoid an upcoming yelling match. 

“Alright, let us stay away from _you_ statements and accusations. Bickering back and forth isn’t going to help us. If it doesn’t work at home, it won’t work here.” Emma’s voice got a bit stern. “Fights to hand-holding, to fights again. You two are very up and down it appears, would you agree?” She asked, watching as both parties looked at each other, and proceeded to look away again and nodding. She asked a question that she had a gut feeling would make either both or at least one uneasy. 

“I want to know… Do you two think that you both, how do I say this-” She paused for a moment, looking up and thinking of the correct translation in English. “Feed off the chaos? As in you hate it- but another part of you thrives with it? Ivan, I want to hear your opinion first.” She offered a small smile to her hard question. Emma decided on asking Ivan first due to his lack of speaking earlier, as she couldn’t have Alfred do all the talking, she needed Ivan’s side.

The question made the man look at his lap. Ivan nervously played with the end of his scarf, he didn’t know what to say. He could say _‘No, of course not’_ , to save his pride. To reject all responsibility from the situation. Staying silent, he didn’t want to admit the rush of emotions when he and Alfred fought and made up. He’d feel alive, a possibility that Ivan couldn’t recognize it himself. Stressed, he kept looking in his lap, wearing a blank look. In a daze until Alfred squeezed his shoulder. The man jerked and sat up a tad bit higher, mocking someone who abruptly woken from sleep. 

Looking back and forth, he mustered an answer in the middle of yes and no: “I don’t know… Maybe… No idea…” Crossing his arms again, his eyes stayed on the wall. Looking at the details of the pretty light yellow paint: his favorite color. Alfred sighed, waiting for his answer to turn. “I don’t think I do? It’s what’s stressing me out. At least I don’t think I do…” He shrugged, no desire to think he was a person who _thrived_ on chaos. He enjoyed their light bickering and banter, fun arguing that was playful. It isn’t until it turned to someone crying or yelling where the enjoyment stopped. 

Emma accepted the ‘maybe ’ answers for now. Tapping her fingers on her paper, discovering triggers of fights might help her dissect their behavior. “I’ll go back to that later. Ivan, I want you to tell me something that you and Alfred fight about often, something that upsets you.” She emphasized on the you and me , avoiding him to deliver the message to Alfred, more her. Delivering it to Alfred would end in another bickering match.

Ivan played with his scarf again, a nervous habit. It took him a moment to bring up a topic that made Ivan beyond insane at times: jealousy. 

“I do not like his… friends .. And I do not trust him with them. He is very flirtatious… “ Ivan’s face turned sour as he thought of every pretty face his husband befriended. Gifted with a charismatic personality. Tons of friends, the life of the party. Knew how to make people laugh, easy-going. Fun. Alfred tended to attract beautiful people, and he’d grown to turn every friend of Alfred’s into an enemy. _Competition_. “... And I think a lot of them like him, and I will not deal with some…-” He paused, trying to avoid harsh wording, “ _person_ stealing my husband.”

The comment made Alfred groan and roll his eyes. His expression read annoyance, with a frown on his lips. “This shit _again_ . Oh my _god_. ” The amount of arguments and broken things in their house were uncountable. Every time regarding Alfred's friendships, it was enough stress to last a lifetime. The bright blond sulked as he became sick of dealing with a trait he viewed Ivan having: insecurity. 

Emma held up her hand to calm Alfred, preventing a fight. “Alfred, it’s Ivan’s turn.” She said, taking note of how it was the first topic brought up by Ivan. “So you don’t trust him with his friends? Is there a… history of cheating?” She asked, wondering if a part of that would prove the source of stress. Ivan shook his head, looking upset still. “Not that I know of.. I have thought at times that he has.. But he proved innocent…” Before sounding like Ivan could be looking past his own insecurities, he proved this trait again by backtracking.

“.... So far…” 

Alfred’s hands rolled up into a fist, trying not to blurt things out on Ivan’s turn. The two ending words disappointed Emma since his wording appeared he wasn’t still suspicious of Alfred. Sadly, old habits die hard. Things clicking together in her head, she asked another question. “Alright. What does Alfred do that makes you think he might be cheating on you?” She wrote on her paper _‘feelings of insecurity towards Alfred regarding loyalty’_ , under her Ivan tab. Ivan tapped his fingers on his leg as he looked up, his soft face having a child-like pout. “He.. he…” Ivan scrambled for words that wouldn’t make him look crazy. An accusation by Alfred on several occasions.

“- _I_ think he can just be _too_ friendly.. And flirty… And he is constantly out and about, drinking, with friends….” He trailed on. His voice was low, then high as he is trying to convince himself of something. “Texting soooo many people. Too many people.” He puffed his cheeks a bit, adding on to some of his child-like habits. Redness rushed to his face, the feeling of slight embarrassment filling his stomach. His heart would hurt every time he saw a friend of his touch his arm. Or hug him, wrap their arms around him for too long. Giggles and grins, with starstruck glances. They all adored Alfred, and it despised every second of it.

“... Do you feel scared? That you’ll lose him? That someone’s going to take him away from you?”

Ivan nodded, his eyes looking upset as he glanced at Alfred, a sad laugh escaping. “Of course! Look at him. How am I supposed to compare?!” He covered his mouth; those comments were a slip-up. Feeling exposed, he placed his hands in his lap and glanced back at the light yellow wall. Being vulnerable with a stranger proved changeling, he didn’t want to confess. The verbal mishap made him jittery, he wished he could run out of the room, but bounded to his seat, forced to have someone analyze and look into him. Uncomfortable. Body language stiffened, his palms getting sweaty, 

Emma’s eyes widened a bit at the confession and reaction, while Alfred looked disheartened and unsurprised. Nothing new revealed; Alfred knew his husband, he’d spent over five years with this man. And of anything, Alfred knew Ivan's self-hate. In a passionate fight or drunk, it would seep. Or small comments when feeling insecure. Ivan’s facade of confidence could be wiped easily by people who knew him. 

_‘How doesn’t he see what I see?’_

A disappointed sigh escaped Alfred’s lips as he closed his eyes. “Baby… I just- I don’t know how many times I gotta tell you that I love you and only you. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t know what _I’m_ doing wrong…” Alfred rested his elbows on his thighs as he put his head in his hands. With mixed emotions, he couldn’t help but blame himself. He felt a pitch in his heart hearing Ivan speak like that. Wondering if he failed at being a lover. A husband, unable to make the center of his world feel loved and secure. It had been five years of him telling his adored that he is smart, funny, beautiful, and kind. He wanted children with him, a family. Nothing made him happier than to lay next to him in bed, and whisper sweet talk into his ear. Holding his hand, and placing kisses on his knuckles, the list filled with many small and large acts. 

“.... It is not you, Alfred….” Ivan’s eyes went over Alfred's slumping figure. Speaking in a whisper, loud enough for his husband and therapist to hear, he expressed first ownership of responsibility in their chaos; “... It is me… It has always been me.” He sighed, placing his hand on his back. It made Alfred sit up, looking back at him. Their eyes met for a moment before it became too much for Ivan. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, his hands sweaty, and arms slightly shaking. _Panicked._ Showing all his cards left Ivan feeling defenseless. And all in front of a _stranger._

“Ivan, do you want too-”

“-I… can... can we come again in a few days? I-....” Ivan could barely form sentences in English, he wished he could speak in his native tongue. Translating when stressed typically ended in mistranslations. “I need some time. To gather my thoughts, yes…” Looking back and forth, he did not want to talk about any of this. He didn’t want Emma asking _why_ he felt that way about himself, or what his childhood was like, or what his ex-boyfriend was like; none of it. Anything that required _memories_ couldn’t be spoken of. Shifting uncomfortably, Ivan kept his eyes down. Alfred seemed surprisingly calm while Ivan quietly freaked out. He placed a hand on his upset husband’s shoulder, rubbing it as he attempted to soothe him. “It’s alright, we can come back in a few days…”

Emma nodded, as it wasn’t the first time seeing someone upset, especially at the first session. Pleased to see that Alfred’s comforting seemed to bring the anxious look down, she decided on not arguing about the session now cut short. “It is completely alright! I understand. When you two want to revisit this we can.” Staying calm, she shook Alfred’s hand, who whispered a small _‘I’ll call you later.’_ to her. 

A few moments later, the couple was out her office. Taking a deep breath, she looked at her piece of paper and raised a brow. 

_“I really hope they come back.”_ She said to herself in French.


	2. The Helicopter Debate

_Two Years Earlier_

“Alfred!”

A cheery voice could is heard, which caused Alfred to look up from his laptop. In his office of their house, he spent the first hour home typing out a report. Topic on the sales of the company in the past month. The task proved a tad bit boring, but Alfred’s prescription of Adderall gave him the focus he needed to finish it. If it hadn’t been for the medication, Alfred wouldn’t have made it through high school with decent grades, let alone college. The spazzy, easily distracted teenager could pay attention in class, and sit still. While he hated how the medication made him feel at times, yelled at and punished by his parents for ‘bad’ behavior happened is worse. As he got older, the hyperactivity turned into inner restlessness, but the man still had the same focus as he did in the ninth-grade. 

“What’s up?” He asked, slightly closing his laptop so he could have a better view of his partner. A bright smile plastered over Ivan’s face, excitement read through his body language and expression. Walking over to his desk, he sat at the edge of it, leaning towards Alfred. “My company is treating us with a helicopter tour! They were impressed by how well my team did this year. So they are letting us bring a plus one for a helicopter tour and a dinner! It's the new model our team has been working on as well!” Ivan’s face beamed with pride, he felt excited and proud of his achievement at work. His hard work paid off with recognition by his bosses did give a boost to his self-esteem. 

“Aren’t you excited?” Ivan asked, squeezing Alfred’s shoulder. 

Ivan’s excitement is met by a grin by Alfred, as he put his hand on Ivan’s. While he couldn’t be more proud of how well Ivan had been doing at work, a helicopter ride is completely off the table. Considering the aircraft type dangerous and risky, and as if he’d let Ivan step on one. Ever since the death of his late wife, the adventurous man had turned cautious. Activities that he never had a second thought on became anxiety-inducing when involving someone he adored. He isn’t afraid of being on the helicopter, but Ivan aboard one. “I’m so proud of you bunny, I really am, but it’s going to be a no on that. I don’t think it’s the safest.” He explained, holding his hand and bringing it up to his lips for a kiss. He wanted to put it as sweetly as he could for Ivan, and keep him from having hurt feelings. Adding his nickname for his husband for good measures. 

Hearing the denial, the man frowned. “What? You are going to make me go by myself…” Displaying a pout, his voice put a whine at the end of the sentence. He pushed himself on Alfred’s desk, so he could lean in and play with Alfred’s blond locks. One hand behind his head, and the other on his chest, he kept up the childlike expression. “Do not be scared, puppy, I’ll keep you close….” A small grin grew back on his lips, as his fingers did the walking motion up from Alfred’s neck, and bopping his nose. He could imagine Alfred’s boyish face turn red as he’d cling on to Ivan. The man didn’t get to see Alfred phased like that often, and chances to dote over him were welcomed.

“Mmm…” Alfred hummed, patting his lap. “Sit.” He asked, pulling at Ivan’s waist. Thinking that being cute would win Alfred over, he did that. Wrapping his arms on his neck, he placed a few kisses on Alfred’s freckles. Ivan used all the talents of buttering Alfred up, and it had a high success rate. Although there are times that Ivan’s glossy eyes and baby-faced pout wouldn’t make Alfred budge. How he got his way with Alfred was one of the reasons why he adored him so much. Most people Ivan used fear and intimidation. He’d get his way from the fear of others'. However, he married someone the opposite. Kisses, hugs, sweet talk, and lap sitting were ways to get a ‘ _Yeah, alright, baby…’_ out of his puppy-like husband. 

Giving a few kisses back on the man's soft lips, Alfred pulled the same behavior of buttering his partner up. “I’m not talking about me, baby, I mean you... I don’t want you to go… It’s not safe...” His tone of voice came off as soothing, sounding worried for his husband. His hands rubbed his waist and thigh, using soft touches in hopes that it would keep Ivan from getting angry at him. Fights involving Alfred’s paranoia on his safety were a common occurrence; Ivan didn’t appreciate being told what to do. He didn’t mind the little things, such as when Alfred demanded to drive when they rode together. Intimacy proved to have a different dynamic, but if they weren’t in those situations, Ivan didn’t want to listen. The couple both had strong personalities; both were a bit bossy, and both didn’t want to follow orders. Someone had to give in at times, and whom it would be is the topic of the argument. 

Ivan’s sugary smile turned into an annoyed frown within seconds of Alfred’s confession. Once _it’s not safe’_ hit his ears, he knew how the fight would end. The comfort of having Alfred’s arms on him disappeared and made him want to pull him off. He saw that his husband is trying to lessen the blow of his command. Smiles and rubs disguised as a veil of control, Ivan didn’t adore his tactics used against him. Being cute and sweet to get what he wanted is his thing, and he wouldn’t let Alfred do it to him. Sitting up, he pulled his arms off as his hands were placed on Alfred’s chest. “Well, if you will not go, that is fine. I will ask a friend of mine.” He stated, getting off Alfred’s lap. Feeling a hand wrap around his arm and pulling him back, he was on his feet he stood up straight, getting his arm out of his hold. Turning to look down at his pouting puppy, he put his hands on his hips as he raised a brow, looking down.

“I will be fine, Alfred. It’s soon so I am going to take a shower.” Ivan stated in a calm voice, turning and walking towards the door. “I said, you aren’t going…” Alfred replied, eyes squinting as he watched Ivan stop in his tracks, grabbing the doorknob and twisting it. “And _I_ said I am.” he responded, not looking back when he swung open the door and slammed it. A couple things in the room shook from the slam. Alfred’s face had a deep scowl from Ivan’s retaliation to his request. Turning his chair, he opened back his laptop to return to his work. Mind filled with anxieties, he couldn't focus when his brain drowned with different scenarios. What if it starts raining over the city, and the pilot loses control? What if a gust of wind is strong and Ivan falls? 'What if's flooded his brain, as his heart raced. He wasn’t- he _couldn’t_ let Ivan go. It’s a brand new model! Alfred didn’t know how much it’s been tested. He didn’t trust a soul other than himself when it came to Ivan’s well being. His husband tended self-destructive behaviors, risking things that would make Alfred feel like he had experienced a heart attack when he got wind of it. He could remember the time when Ivan went street racing with his ex, who he and his ‘friends’ had gotten ahold of a few foreign cars. The man Yao had evidence of sketchy work; interesting tattoos, and much money for someone who owned a small take-out restaurant. Ivan tried to downplay Yao’s lifestyle, but Alfred isn’t a stupid man. Seeing his tipsy husband come home after a night of riding in the passenger seat of illegal street racing caused outrage. The blowout ended with Alfred hiding Ivan’s car keys for two weeks, and Ivan retaliating by giving Alfred four flat tires a total of six times those weeks. With it being three hundred per tire, the bill ranked up to over seven thousand dollars. Alfred caved in and told him the location of the car keys, important since the car was _technically_ in Alfred’s name. 

Groaning to himself, he gave up on his paperwork and decided to return to it later. Standing up, he walked to their bedroom, planning on laying down and watching T.V. to distract him from his anxiety. Maybe watching something would give him an idea to convince Ivan to not go? Crossing his arms, he hid under the sheets and sulked as he watched the soap opera playing on their T.V., as he couldn’t bothered to change the channel. His anxieties kept up with consuming him, much so that he kept looking at the bathroom door. Tempted to come up with a sneaky idea, it would be difficult to trick Ivan. The man knew of Alfred’s disagreement with the activity and would call bluff to most things. His eyes went back to the T.V., trying to relax his anxiety-filled brain. The turning off of the shower made his eyes glance over to the door. His heart racing, he kept on it for another moment, going back to the show. He hated that he felt like this, that his chest hurt, and his stomach had butterflies. He hated how he wanted enough control for Ivan to nod and obey his request. He could handle a pouting lover much better than handling his fear for his lover’s life. The battle of being a healthy lover vs having his way is a recurring issue. 

An open door made his eyes return to Ivan, who had wet hair and his underwear on. Enjoying a view, he stared at Ivan as he watched him dress. He, of course, noticed, which made him softly grin and he threw his sweater over his head. “How about you stop sulking and get dressed. You can stay here and pout, or you could have a romantic date with me. Your choice, but only those options, yes?” He asked, closing his pants on his waist. Ivan kept his voice calm but a bit stern; he wanted to convince Alfred to go. He knew he wouldn’t have as much fun without his husband. The thought of an angry spouse would stay in the back of his mind. However, he also knew giving in would only encourage Alfred’s paranoid behavior. Ivan’s stubbornness had a habit of taking over certain choices and decisions. 

Alfred sat and thought for a moment, rethinking his actions. Ivan appeared dead set on going, and the slight sternness of his voice hinted that he isn’t going to budge. If he’s with Ivan, at least he could know that he’s safe and sound at that moment. But is leaving with Ivan be giving in? The pair both had the question of _‘Should I let him win?’_

“Nevermind, I will go with Yao-”

The mention of his name made Alfred immediately swing the blanket off himself and get up. The thought of Ivan on a dinner date with his ex stuck a nerve. Grumbling under his breath, he went to the closet to find appropriate outfit. Ivan grinned, humming as he sprayed cologne on his neck. Aware that the slight mention of spending time with Yao in a romantic sense would hurt Alfred, Ivan isn’t afraid to do so. If he had to make Alfred worry about competition to get his way-so be it. Ivan was a jealous man himself, and his inner petty nature looked to opportunities to make Alfred envious. His husband is hard to get jealous with everyone else, he didn’t frown or pout when Ivan went out, or have any issues with Ivan’s friendships- except one. 

Ivan would hold Yao over his puppy's head like an owner with his pet. It isn’t nice, it isn’t right, and it did make Ivan feel guilty- but it got the job done. Now he had, and though brooding, Alfred dressed for the helicopter date. He walked over to the closet and pointed to a blue shirt hanging. “I like that one, puppy.” He commented. Alfred stayed still for a second, then taking that shirt down. The couple had a habit of dressing each other up- Ivan would wear what Alfred liked, and vise versa. Alfred worked on the dress shirt, saying nothing as he buttoned it up. His stomach grew butterflies, and he had Ivan using his ex over his head. The situation left him with a bad taste in his mouth. If Alfred had the same level of pettiness, he’d tell Ivan to go with Yao and go out with friends he knew that would make _him_ jealous. But Alfred didn’t enjoy pulling the same antics Ivan did with how they were dysfunctional. 

Ivan walked next to Alfred and lowered his collar. Spraying his favorite cologne on him, he rubbed it into his lover's collarbone. “Mm, you smell so good when you wear this…” He complimented, trying to butter up his mad husband. He pouted when Alfred didn’t respond to his comments or touched. “Stop pouting, you are going on a date with me.” Ivan commanded, wanting to wipe the frown off his sunshine boy's face. His husband rolled his eyes as he buttoned his wrist. “It’s hard to smile when you get off on hurting me.” He stated, looking into the mirror as he fixed his shirt. The comment frustrated Ivan, being called out on bad behavior left him defensive. “I am not getting off on hurting you… Stop being dramatic…” 

Alfred scoffed at the accusations of being dramatic from Ivan. He viewed himself as the less emotionally erratic one, so getting called dramatic by his partner was slightly amusing, mostly insulting. “I’m not being _dramatic._ You get off on making me jealous. Every time you just fuckin’ threaten to hang out with your ex. You love every second of it.” The voice Alfred had shown is rather calm, with the exact opposite reaction going through his head. He knew these were fighting words and would spark an argument, but his caring for it lacked. He frowned and continued to look for a tie that matched. 

Ivan’s eyes narrowed, crossing his arms as he thought of a response. It’s hard to reply when Alfred spoke the truth. But Ivan’s pride is too high to admit it, deflection being his favorite tactic. “And _you_ get off on being controlling. As if I am supposed to do everything you say at _thirty_. You are being paranoid, I am not going to encourage it.” He spat, walking towards the door and opening it. Alfred groaned and rolled his eyes, following him as he put his wallet in his pocket. “I’m not paranoid- I just get worried about you, and you never want to listen to me. You’re crazy and I always gotta worry about it!” Alfred snapped back, walking next to him as they went into the living room. Getting called crazy made Ivan turn around, a heavy frown on his lips. It triggered him, as most of his adult life people had labeled him that. The _crazy_ , weird, foreigner. His heart beating fast, he crossed his arms as he stood across from Alfred. “Do _not_ call me crazy!” His cheeks turned slightly red, the accusation rather painful to hear. 

“You are! Last month you went god damn street racing!”

“I did not, I only sat in the car-“

“Oh, like that makes a _big_ fucking difference!”

“It does not matter, you need to mind your business!”

“We’re married, anything you did _is_ my fucking business!” Alfred moved back, throwing his hands in the air. The telling of _‘mind your business’_ by his partner, regards to his safety felt like an irrational comment, and beyond silly. Ivan’s well-being is his business, and he’d fight tooth and nail with his partner on it. Ivan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t want Alfred to come with him now. Trying to avoid an argument, he shook his head and put his hands up. “You know what- Just _stay_. I do not want you to come. I am not talking anymore.” The Russian felt his English couldn’t express itself like he wanted. And his heart racing emotions were too unstable to come up with smooth sentences. 

Turning around, he planned on going walking across the room towards the door. However, he stopped mid-step by a tight grip on his wrist. “Don’t walk away from me when I’m speaking to you-" 

His blood boiled getting touched, and without a second thought, he quickly pulled his hand from his grip and spun on his heels. His eyes wide, and self upset with the grabbing, he got physical back. “Don’t _touch_ me!” He yelled, using both hands to push Alfred. Due to his strength, the act of shoving him is easy, he barely needed to extend his arms to get Alfred moving a few feet back. However, from the chaos of the moment, the man didn’t notice what was behind Alfred. Not until he heard a bang, _crack_ , and his partner leaning on the wall, holding his head. 

Unnoticed by Ivan, Alfred stood in front of one of their shelves that were bolted to the wall. It being higher due to holding pictures, Alfred has been standing across from the edge of the shelf. So when pushed, the back of his head is pierced with the corner of it. In a second, Ivan’s expression went from anger to pure horror. His heart drops to his stomach, he couldn’t believe he didn’t notice that something was behind his husband. Getting frantic, he ran to Alfred’s aid. “I-I-I am so sorry, I-" Panting and seeing blood, he helped Alfred up and sat him down on the sofa nearby. 

Alfred didn’t process much due to the pain and feeling dizzy, saying nothing but _‘Ah, fuck’_ when his head slammed. He held the back of his head, his fingers feeling wet from the blood gushing from the back. Ivan raced to the closet in tears, finding a couple of wash clothes, then rushing back to him. Removing his hand, he held down one of the washcloths on the wound. Applying pressure, he knew better than to remove it. Tears running down his cheeks, he looked down at his injured husband, spilling apologies. 

“I-I am so sorry, I did not know it was behind you, I…” Panting slightly, he used a free hand to push Alfred’s bangs out his face. “I did not try to hurt you, Alfred…” Tears ran down his cheeks, as a mix of guilt, sadness, and plain disgust in the fact that he hurt the person he loved most. He prides himself on being a doting, loving person, and he has shown the exact opposite now. Gulping, the silence from Alfred worried him. “D-Do you need me to take you to the hospital…?” Had he given Alfred a concussion?! Every worry of the worst flooded his mind, as tears had flooded his eyes. 

Alfred’s silence is contributed by the pain and chaos of the moment. Sighing and keeping his eyes closed, he paused as he thought what he wanted at that moment. “Can you… get me some Advil?” He asked calmly, moving his hand backward so to hold the washcloth. Not in the mood to go to the hospital, especially since the pain is manageable. He wanted something over-the-counter. His emotions were running around, as he felt a bit complex on the current situation at hand. 

Nodding quickly, Ivan rushed to the kitchen. To the cabinet, his shaky hands knocked down a few pill bottles, getting the Advil. Shaking out four pills, he filled up a glass of water and rushed back to his husband. Sitting down, he offered up the pills. Alfred used his free hand to grab them and throw them into his mouth, and took the glass of water. Ivan went back to holding the washcloth on the back of his head, eyeing every move his partner did. He gulped down the glass of water, with Ivan taking it back. Placing it on the side table near the sofa. 

Blinking a few times, Alfred took back to holding the washcloth on his head so he could turn and look at Ivan. The sight of a tear-stained, red-cheeked Ivan made him sad. From his husband’s reaction, he could tell that Ivan felt guilt over the situation. He started to feel guilty on grabbing Ivan in the first place and yelling at him. Feeling like he should just let Ivan go, he declared defeat in the fight. “I’m fine, it just hurts… You... You can go with Yao, it’s alright…” Sighing, he thought the situation would get better if he let Ivan do what he wanted. 

The suggestion made Ivan’s eyes go wide, his head shaking fast. “N-No! You are hurt! I will stay!” Without a second thought, he sat a bit closer to Alfred as he continued to take care of him. “Do you want to go to our bed? So you are comfortable?” He asked, wanting Alfred out of the living room. His partner nodded slightly, preferring their bedroom and getting out of his current clothes. “Do you need me to carry you? Can you walk?” He asked quickly, panic inside his voice. He kept himself from crying more, as he didn’t want to look like he was trying to guilt-trip Alfred. He felt horrible, and he hadn’t felt this bad in such a long time. 

Hearing Ivan agrees to stay had a sudden change in Alfred’s emotions. His anxiety in his stomach seemed to disappear, as his husband wasn’t in what he viewed, harm's way. Standing up, he shook his head lightly as he kept the washcloth on his head. “No, I’m not really dizzy, it just hurts....” He explained, walking to the bedroom at a decent pace. Ivan followed behind, opening the door and rushing to the bed. Tapping the free area on the bed, he moved the blankets so Alfred could lay down. Alfred kicked off his shoes, getting in the bed as he sat up and leaned against the headboard. He could relax his arm now that the washcloth is held up by him pressing his head back. Looking down at his dress pants, he wanted the clothing off. “Can you help me take off these pants… Please…” He asked softly, with Ivan nodding and helping to get the pair off. In dress pants and boxers, he let Ivan tuck him in. The frantic husband cuddled next to him, petting his hair and rubbing his chest. “...Can I get you anything….?” Ivan asked, his voice quiet. His face had a pained expression, his heart still racing from the shock of the event. 

“Just sit next to me…” Alfred requested. Having his husband's warm body near, and his hands rubbing and stroking seemed to always be the best medicine. Knowing that guilt is eating Ivan up, he decided to apologize back. “... I’m sorry for grabbing at you. I shouldn’t have done that.” He admitted. Thinking about their conversation, and the pain in the back of his head, he fessed up. “And I’m sorry for calling you crazy….” The chaos of what happened in ten minutes made Alfred want to wrap the night up in a positive note. It left a gross feeling in both of them for it to have led this far. 

“I am sorry for pushing you and hurting you… I really… I swear, I….” Tears welled up in Ivan’s eyes, and he rested his head on Alfred’s lap. His husband stroked his silver locks as he cried out an apology. “I should've listened to you… I shouldn’t have tried to leave…. You were right…” Tears fell to Alfred’s lap, as sniffling could be heard. The guilt of having Alfred hurt in such a way became too much. Tears streamed down his cheeks, he nuzzled his face into his husband's lap. Sadness tended to make Ivan regress into small child-like actions. 

Told he was right, a small grin formed on Alfred’s face. His husband sobbing on his lap, holding him close and admitting to him being right. The situation made Alfred feel happier than he should have. There is something great for him to have his sometimes _reckless_ lover, admit to being wrong. The night ended in a cut to the back of his head and a slight headache. Nevertheless, he got what _he_ wanted, so everything came as a fair trade. Ivan’s pleas of forgiveness and agreeing to listen to him made Alfred ecstatic. A bit too happy, one might say. Stroking his husband's hair, he looked down at him with a pleased grin. “It’s alright, bunny…. I love you… I don’t like fighting with you…” He said, sighing as he closed his eyes. He felt Ivan’s head shake his hands, “Me either… I wish I could express how sorry I am…” He said, still feeling as if he couldn’t verbalize it enough. Even with Alfred’s easy forgiveness, he couldn’t shake off the nasty feeling that had developed in his chest. 

“I believe you… Listen, how about we just order something to eat? Easy night in, okay?” Alfred asked, wanting something to fill his stomach. Ivan quickly sat up and nodded, going to his pocket to grab his phone. He firstly texted his boss explaining that something came up and that he couldn’t attend the event. He went to his browser to look up whatever food Alfred wanted. “Anything on your mind?” Ivan asked, his voice light and tone attentive. His eyes glanced over to watch Alfred’s expressions. 

His husband's face stayed relaxed, which Ivan found surprising for someone who hit their head. His Alfred is sturdy and strong- the type to get up and walk after a fall. Never to exaggerate an injury for attention or sympathy. The man had spent part of his life playing sports, so injuries were the norm. Part of Alfred’s charm was that- Ivan didn’t like weak individuals. People strong who could hold their own would win his respect. But he did like to dote after a sick Alfred the few times the man did fall ill. 

“Pizza? Pepperoni…?” 

“Okay…” Ivan replied, ordering the food online. Fingers tapped away on the electronic screen, foggy eyes making Ivan have to fix his typos. Once ordered, Ivan swung his feet over the side of the bed. “I am going to get some water… I will bring you some.” He promised, walking out quickly. Closing the door behind him, he took a deep breath as he walked to the hallway closet. Grabbing a washcloth, he went to the kitchen to wet it before walking to the living room. Seeing the blood on the corner of the shelf and drying up on the wall, he went over to wipe it. As he cleaned it up, tears streamed down his face again. He felt like he was cleaning the scene of a crime. Cleaning up proof of him being a bad person. _'I am awful…’_ he thought. 

The pair had a habit of play-fighting and wrestling, so there had been times they’d hurt each other by mistake. One time Ivan had a nine-inch bruise down his leg from them rolling in bed and falling off. Another time Alfred sprained his ankle from them falling backward, from a battle of who-could-tackle-who. But each injury didn’t come out of malicious intent or anger, just the pair being ambitious with proving who is stronger. It ended in laughs and an _‘Oh baby, Ha, are you okay?’_ , not in tears. 

Wiping everything up, he picked up two pictures that had fallen. Surprised to see that no glass had broken on the frames, he straightened and placed them on the shelf. One picture was the pair of them on their wedding day. Ivan had a nervous grin, clinging on to his new husband as Alfred carried him bridal style. Ivan’s finger traced the grin that he had, as he remembered how happy he was that day. How there's no single flaw he could point out, everything went perfectly. His eyes trailed to the second photo, Alfred and his late wife. The beautiful woman had such a warm smile, with curly chocolate-colored hair and eyes. Alfred’s grin matched her warmth, he appeared so happy with her. Ivan wouldn’t lie, he sometimes felt like he couldn't compare to her. The way he described their marriage, it seemed _perfect_. She seemed _perfect_. And it is something Ivan felt he is far from. 

Not to linger on his insecurities, he sighed and threw the washcloth out, no interest in seeing it in the laundry. Grabbing two glasses of water, he returned to his husband, placing the cups on the nightstand. Sitting next to him on the edge of the bed, he gestured his husband to let him see the back of his head. Removing the washcloth, he looked at the cut. “It formed a blood clot well, so it’s stopped bleeding out… that is good…” He touched it, the dried up blood keeping the cut intact. Ivan picked out the dried blood that had gotten on his locks. “.... Are you sure you do not want to see a doctor…? It is not bleeding… but…” he had a concerned tone, worrying of Alfred is underplaying his injury. 

“I’ll go to my PCP tomorrow… He accepts walk-ins. I just got a headache- You know I used to play football, so, I’ve had worse hits.” He explained, shrugging as he took off his glasses. Placing them next to his drink, he looked over to Ivan. Seeing his red eyes, he patted Ivan’s side of the bed. “Lay down with me. I’m fine, I swear.” He promised, hoping to cheer up his saddened partner. Ivan nodded and walked over to their dresser to grab comfortable pants. “Alright… Let me just change…” He explained, wanting out of dress pants and shirts. Alfred’s inner flirt came to lighten the mood, “Why wear clothes? We’re married!” 

The flirting made Ivan crack a smile, the first genuine one Alfred had seen since their fight. Ivan began to undress until in his boxers, matching Alfred whose only extra thing he had was an open dress shirt with an undershirt. Crawling next to Alfred, he returned his head in his lap. “I will need to put a bathrobe on when the food arrives…” Ivan said, closing his eyes when he felt Alfred run his fingers through his hair. 

“No, you don’t. I need to show off my trophy husband.” Alfred joked. Both cracked a smile, with Ivan giggling and shaking his head. “Silly. You are silly…” He replied, sitting up and kissing Alfred’s cheeks. They looked into each other’s eyes, with Ivan glancing down. Alfred stared at him. They both seem conflicted; Alfred on his happiness of Ivan’s compliance, and Ivan on his shame for hurting Alfred. Both wanted to end the night peacefully, but both knowing what occurred not too long ago wasn’t healthy. The habit of fighting, and making up as if nothing happened would prove to die hard. Ivan still had an upset feeling in his stomach, but Alfred’s smiles and touches would help soothe it. Alfred’s head hurt but having Ivan stay home and admit to listening to him pushed any anger out of the window. It voided the moments before- they didn’t matter. Ivan did what he wanted, so he couldn’t find himself mad even if he wanted. 

To much delight grew from a teary-eyed Ivan crying, _‘You were right.’_

————-

_Present Day_

_Knock, knock_

The sound of a fist tapping on the door made Alfred look up from his pillow. The door opening, Ivan appeared, leaning against the frame. The light from the hallway peaked in, as Alfred had the lights off but T.V. on in the room. His figure looked a tad bit sluggish as he clung to the frame. “... Can I sleep next to you tonight…?” He asked, his voice almost whispering the request. Blinking a few times, Alfred nodded and pulled the sheets from the side of him. “Of course…” He answered, watching his husband crawl next to him on the bed. Getting under the covers, Ivan clung on to Alfred, nuzzling his face into his chest. A bad fight from last week had Alfred sleeping in a guest bedroom. He thought he needed some space from Ivan at night. 

His hand on the top of his head, he stroked Ivan’s silver locks. Alfred’s fingers felt soothing to Ivan, making him open up emotionally. The rest of their day had been slightly awkward- They ate take out, both tired to cook. Across from each other, they tried to make small talk to lessen the tension. Afterward, they both went to their rooms, finding safety in their thoughts. 

“... When you said you wanted a divorce… It scares me…” Ivan confessed, his voice low. He removed his head from Alfred’s chest and looked up, his violet eyes meeting Alfred’s baby blues. “I do not want to lose you… Even if… We fight....” His tone was sad, it hurt to hear his husband express the want to leave him. That the man he swore ‘death due us part’ , was now willing to leave. The pain in his chest when he thought about it is unbearable. He felt as if everyone always left him. 

Alfred sighed and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath before opening and looking down at him. “I don’t _want_ to divorce you. That’s the whole point of us going to therapy… I want to be with you. I love you so much… But…” He frowned, thinking of how to word this the right way. 

“... I want to be a father… I… I was supposed to be one eight eyes ago…” His eyes went wide when he mentioned the number of years since the passing of his wife. Every time their daughters' due date came around, Alfred wondered what she would have looked like at that age. If she would have had her curls, or her eyes. “I’m only getting older. It’s something that I want so badly, and I want it with you, but… I can’t bring a child into this relationship with how we fight. It wouldn’t be right…” Alfred admitted. Being a father, and having a child is a deal-breaker for him. Ivan wanted kids as well. But with how up and down their relationship is, it never felt like the right time. The need for a child overrides the want to be with Ivan. And it isn’t an easy choice, it’s one that hurts. That he might have to choose one over the other. 

“I wanna be a dad… And… While I love you and want to be with you… I… I can’t be in a relationship where I _couldn’t_ be one…” The confession made Ivan pause for a moment, his eyes trailing to Alfred’s chest before going back. His emotions didn’t surprise him, he knew how badly Alfred wanted to be a father. How important children are to him. The topic was important to Ivan as well, Alfred’s reluctance to go forward with the adoption process is a source of bitterness. 

“I know… I do not blame you… I want children as well… I want them to have a good example…” Ivan would be lying to himself if he didn’t worry that he’d set a bad example for his children. A part of him feared fatherhood. He feared being a bad parent, traumatizing the child, leaving scars similar to what he had. He knew Alfred would be a wonderful father, the man had a good heart and caring nature. He adored the idea of seeing Alfred taking a nap with their baby on his chest. Such sweet and pure things he desired, but he couldn’t argue that they were ready. They aren’t, as much as it hurts to admit. 

“I want my children to have happy parents… My parents were amazing, and I want the same for our children… I don’t want to raise kids who feel, tense or scared to be at home cause their parents are always fighting…” Alfred went to play with Ivan’s hair again. This is his way of laying down an ultimatum gently; they need to get better or they can’t continue. “I love you… I do… I know things have been shitty, and awkward…” He said, shrugging at the confession of their current state. The past few weeks had been uncomfortable, as they either fought or avoided each other. Even sex, the one thing they _didn’t_ argue about stopped. 

“It is alright… My fault as well..” Ivan whispered, keeping close to Alfred as he closed his eyes. Crying earlier made him tired. “Can we see her soon? I liked Emma… Very sweet girl…” He expressed his likeness for the therapist, as he wished he left a better first impression. Being uptight and then running out felt like she didn’t get to see him in a good light. Hopefully, he could control his actions next time. 

Alfred had a small smile on his face at hearing Ivan’s request to go back. It gave him hope since ending their relationship would be heartbreaking. Nothing more than heal could he ask of him. “Yeah, I liked her too… I’ll call her tomorrow, okay?” He whispered, kissing his forehead and laying back down. The couple held each other tight, as it had been a week since they slept next to each other. The safeness of being in each other's embrace is a forever unmatched feeling. Both of their heartbeats slowed down, breathing steady and calm. 

Both thinking; _‘This feels nice…’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is late, I just did a big move so my life has been crazy. But I'm settled, thanks for reading.


	3. Return To The Lion's Den

“I’m so glad to see you two!” 

Emma beamed as she watched her clients sit on the couch. After getting a call back from Alfred, she felt thrilled to work with the couple. Ivan’s outburst had worried her, and she wished she could have spoken to Ivan regarding his confession and feelings. Having a chance, it made her hopeful that the pair had returned to her office. 

“How are you both doing since the last time we spoke?” 

Ivan’s fingers played with the pillow next to him. He proceed to put it on his lap to squeeze. Having something in his hands helped with the anxiety of opening up to a stranger. Looking over to Alfred, and back at Emma, “... We haven’t fought…” Ivan stated, wishing he expressed it with confident. The couple had several goals to achieve, above fighting.. “...We went back to sharing the same bed…” He pulled the furs on the pillow, contemplating the conversation they had after their first session. 

Although the days were few, it still pleased Emma to hear that the couple hadn’t fought and were sleeping next to each other. “That’s good! Have you two been in separate rooms for a while?” She asked, wondering how distant the two had been with each other. The couple both looked frustrated when they came into her office, making her guess that they felt tense with each other for a bit. 

“Nah… Just a week… We had a very bad fight, and I just.. went to the guest room. Thought we needed some space… It was pretty awkward around the house you know? I felt like we were trying to avoid each other as much as possible…” Alfred confessed. He’d be lying if he said he isn’t happy that Ivan crawled back next to him in bed the night of their first session. The safety and comfort of having the one he loved most nuzzle next to him stayed unmatched, disregarding if they weren’t in the best place. Ivan could agree to that feeling as well, he had spent a few nights crying that week due to the feeling of loneliness. Days earlier, he wanted to ask Alfred to sleep next to him again but thought that the man wanted nothing additional than separation from him. Feeling hurt is unavoidable, since sleeping in separate rooms is uncommon. The pair rather sleep next to each other angry, than sleep divided from each other angry. It commonly calmed them, being near each other at night. No matter after a bad fight, they could lay and turn their backs to each other, but would find by the morning they somehow snuggled together. 

“Ivan, would you agree?” 

The man nodded, wanting to express how it felt in their house. “Yes… It still… feels a bit more uneasy… But… We are trying to stay nice…” The room still had an uncomfortable feeling at times. Instead of eating in separate rooms and ignoring each other, they’d eat at the dinner table and have small talk. Everything going on would make it a bit awkward, but it improved compared to previous days. It seemed as they fought over the years, the harder it was the jump into feeling loving and acting as nothing had happened. The lack of arguments attributed to the aura they had together. They both didn’t want to fight, so avoiding any deep conversations aided it. Life proved easier to talk on how work went than any issues they were facing. 

“Did you two talk about something after the session?”

Ivan reacted with an answer, “Yeah… I think when we came into the session, we were both, uh, very angry… And afterward… I think… well, I felt sad. I.. it started to hit me… That Alfred is very serious about leaving me if things do not get better…” Ivan looked to the side, having trouble looking at both the therapist and Alfred. His chest hurt admitting it, how Alfred kept considering leaving him. He understood why, but it still pained him. It put a nasty aftertaste on his tongue. 

“I hate it when you say it like that, like I want too….” Alfred replied, crossing his arms when he looked over to his saddened lover. “I need a family. I do…” 

Hearing the need for a family made Emma curious. “When you say family, do you mean having children with Ivan?” Alfred nodded, knowing that he mentioned it the last session. “We both want kids. Especially me… But I’m not bringing a child into this situation… So… I can’t be in a relationship where I can’t be a dad. Or stressed out because of all the fighting. Just… Yeah…” He trailed off, sighing and scratching the back of his head. 

“A lot of things…”

Emma looked at the nervous body language they both had. It came off as a bit better than the angry one they had last time. The first session, Ivan looked like a rattling bottle, ready to explode any moment. And Alfred looked like a mix of tired and distressed. However, today the couple leaned towards anxious and quiet. Such mood change interested Emma. 

“You two do seem much calmer than before… Especially Ivan… You seem sober, almost. But, I don’t want to put a lot of pressure on you this session. I’m quite glad you came back, you were very upset last time..” Ivan apologized with urgency for his outburst. “I am sorry about that… It is… hard for me to open up to people I do not know like that… But I am ready now… Or so I think…” He confessed, shrugging as he played with the fur hairs of the pillow in his lap. 

“I’m happy to hear that! I’ll start with Alfred to give you a break for now…” She turned to the bright blond, playing with the end of her pen. “What is something you and Ivan fight about a lot? Something that makes you upset… a cause of a lot of tension.” She had asked Ivan the same question the other time and got an interesting answer. Alfred looked down, and back to her. “He’s…” knowing that he should use I statements, he corrected himself. “ I think he can be reckless… And I wish he’d listen to me more.” Playing with the end of his sleeve, he hoped that those words didn’t come off as controlling, although it might have been. 

“When you say… Listen to you, do you mean as in, what he does? Where he goes…?”

Alfred nodded quickly, “ Yes. It makes me so anxious, and nervous about some things! He’s gonna get hurt, he has gotten hurt. If I tell him not to do something, I don’t want him to do it. But… We both have dominant personalities… We clash a lot…” Alfred looked over at Ivan. His lover looked at the wall, so he couldn’t see his face. Only silver hair that he found pretty. “I just wish he’d respect what I have to say more, as his husband. I’m not trying to be an asshole- I- I just don’t know what I’d do if something bad happened to him.” Alfred’s eyes widened when he said bad , his mind filling up with every horrible possible thing that could hurt his love. The common occurrence plagued Alfred. He knew it caused conflict with his husband but the habit he felt came unfixable. 

Knowing his past with his late wife, Emma wanted to dig a bit deeper. “Do you get worried like something bad is going to happen to him? And that it would be your fault?”

Alfred was quick to answer, nodding, “Yes! If anything happened to Ivan… It’d be my fault… I can’t let someone… or anything hurt him. I learned that lesson once. If I don’t protect him, who the hell else will?” He tilted his head, looking down as a worried expression plastered over his face. Combined with impulsive actions, his drinking, and erratic behavior at times; Ivan gave massive anxiety for Alfred. If he could, he’d keep Ivan home all day, safe with him. Nothing to hurt him. No car coming into his on the freeway, no man taking advantage of him while drunk, nothing. In Alfred’s eyes, Ivan was his responsibility, and his well-being and safety laid on his hands. Anything tragic were to hurt Ivan, he’d be the single person to blame. The mindset stuck to Alfred compulsively. 

Emma tapped the end of the pen, taking in the information. She could see the pain on Alfred’s face and hear it in his voice. The grown man's voice had a tone of a scared child, who’s fears were making him lash out. His baby blue eyes were wide, and an anxious frown grew on his face. “You know, Alfred, some things are out of our control. And you can’t put those worries on yourself. Everything that happens to Ivan doesn’t fall on to you-“ Trying to reason and calm him got her interrupted. 

“Yes, it is! I know how he is… He drinks a lot, he’s a bad driver, he’s a thrill chaser, he just won’t admit it.” Crossing his arms, he looked at the ground as an anxious look stayed on his face. He could list everything Ivan’s done that made him want to pull his hair out, but it would leave the pair tense and fighting. Seeing how pent up Alfred is, she worked up on trying to calm him down. “ Still , Ivan isn’t a child. He’s an adult, and he is responsible for himself. Of course, you will worry and try to make sure he…” She made a circling motion with her hand. “-Is safe and not doing anything senseless. But at the end of the day, holding yourself responsible for every action he does is unhealthy. You can not put that blame on yourself, it isn’t fair.” Emma could see the conflict in his blue eyes, and how his worries seem to consume him. Glancing over to Ivan, she found it a tad bit surprised that his partner stayed relaxed. Still holding the pillow, he appeared relaxed than the previous session. Leaning towards zoned out, not there. 

Alfred stayed quiet for a moment after her comments. Unsure of how to argue with her. “Still…” he looked somewhat defeated. Tapping his foot with a sense of anxiety, he tried to let her words resonate with him, but his brain kept fighting logic. Shaking off her words, he sat back, arms crossed and frowning. Feeling misunderstood, he didn’t continue to defend himself on the topic. ‘She doesn’t know how he is.’ He thought, defending his viewpoint. 

“... Still. I know we want to protect the ones we love, but there is a limit…” Thinking back to his wife, she wondered how much help he had after her death. “... Alfred, have you ever done therapy before? Or talk to anyone about your anxiety? It looks like it is troubling you…” 

Alfred looked side to side, giving a weak shrug. “I did it for… a little bit after she died. I had to see someone at least once a month to get some meds… But after a couple of months I got off of it- Didn’t want to get dependent on them.” He had memories of how well Xanax helped him sleep when his mind forced him to stay up. Haunted by grief, he was grateful to get some rest. He’d spend his first couple weeks in a mix of horror and shock, and nights alone were something he dreaded. He couldn’t escape that he was alone, his other half departed from him. He’d think of every single thing he could have done to make sure she hadn’t been in that car. Every single scenario where she lived because he had done the right thing and protected her. The empty spot alone on his side would easily remind him how he messed up. 

‘She’d be here if… I….’

“I think… one on one sessions would be good for you…” She paused and glanced at Ivan, “-The both of you, actually. When it comes to… our insecurities and our traumas, one on one focus can be better than having to worry about back and forth from your partner.” She made a hand gesture, pointing to them both. Anxiety and control; Alfred’s weak points, and what she got from Ivan, the man had insecurities regarding himself. She can imagine their fighting, the pair did come off as dominant personalities. Each fighting for control and getting their way. Leaving a trail of chaos behind. 

The pair stayed quiet, they both were thinking. Alfred nodded after some moments, “If… You think it’s a good idea, then, yeah, why not.” Putting his money where his mouth is, it’d be horrible of him to claim he wanted him and Ivan to work out. Only then lack the will to put in the effort. The core issue is opening up about his wife, and the pain of her loss, brought him to tears. He hated crying in front of people, ignoring if he knew it’s justified. The man had been the type to cry and laugh easily, an emotional person. An open book, he wore his heart on his sleeve. Full of sunshine like smiles, loud laughter. However, the death of his wife and child resulted in a colder emotional state. Instead of having an easy grin, happy, his personality was left only partly what it used to be. Stressed out easier, quicker to anger, not as happily-go-luckiness. He thought after some time, he’d go back to his old self. Sadly, he found out that the pure happiness part of his soul had gone with them . And he couldn’t find it back, even with Ivan. 

His partner had ideas running through his head. He’d tried therapy in the past on his own . But with no one pushing him, he ended up giving up when the therapist asked hard questions and dug deeper. Opening up in regards to his youth mirrored pulling teeth, and the question of, ‘Have you experienced abuse in your childhood?’ made him flinch and want to jump out a window. Certain things he’s told a soul or two, and he wanted to keep it that way. Rethinking about it seemed to bring up so many emotions and feelings he’d want to burst into tears. Looking over at Alfred, he turned to her, his head moving at a slow pace. “... If Alfred will, I will. Only fair…” He agreed. Desperate to prove to Alfred he wanted them to work, he opened his mind to trying again. 

Emma tilted her head and grinned. Their willingness to try made her pleased, as it meant that she is getting somewhere. They hadn’t bickered during this session to her surprise, Ivan lacked the reactiveness he had last time. Taking it as a sign of progress, she decided to focus on communication skills. 

“I’m going to bring it back to arguing. I want us to talk about how you two can handle conflict without escalating. I’ll start with Ivan; when you two are about to get into argument, or in one, what is… Something Alfred will do that will make you very angry? Set you off, as in.” She questioned, needing to know habits that triggered him. 

Ivan is quick to respond, having a list in his head. “When he calls me crazy , or when he tries to treat me like a child… I get… upset, yes?” He answered easily. Crazy constantly triggered him, as people all his life had labeled him that. Plus Alfred’s anxiety and pestering him on what he's doing made him feel like a helpless child. It's a point in his life, he never wanted to be reminded of. Add on Alfred’s issues with him driving, the childish feeling irked him. 

“Alfred?”

Alfred looked up, then back at her. “When he holds his ex over my head. I hate it. He’ll threaten to go spend time with him. They are way too close. It’s almost… inappropriate.” He stated, hating how he sounded jealous. He felt the statement is true, that he and Yao were a tad bit too close. Of course, there isn’t a sexual relationship going on, but on a personal level, he found the things Yao did for him crossed the line. Buying Ivan expensive gifts, taking him out to dinner, buying him clothes. It attacked Alfred’s manhood to have another man doing things he viewed as his right and his right alone. He should be the only person giving Ivan personal items. However, whenever he brought it up, Ivan would brush it off and defend their relationship. ‘He’s like that. He always will do nice things for me. We still care about each other.’ He’d constantly defend to Alfred.

“You both know how to set each other off.” She stated, glancing at both. She started by correcting Alfred’s behavior. “Calling your partner crazy, is not alright. Putting down their emotions as if there is something mentally wrong with them will get you nowhere in an argument. If you feel like Ivan is being irrational, there are many words you can use…” She held up her hand as she started to list them. “Unreasonable, groundless, but not crazy, not stupid, and not idiotic. There is a difference between pointing out that your partner may not be making the best choice, and downplaying their intelligence.” 

Alfred took in her words, staying quiet before nodding his head. He did use crazy a lot, and each time it would escalate the fight. The habit is hard to break due to Ivan acting irrational. It was a commonplace, but he had an itch that she was correct. “Yeah.. I’ll try to stop that. I… I don’t think he’s stupid- he’s a really smart person, it’s why I like him! But when he acts, a certain way, it feels… like he isn’t thinking.” He tried to explain. 

“It’s fine to feel that way, simply express it in healthy words- not insults. Don’t put him down.” She said, watching Alfred nod and look a tad bit guilty. She assumed it meant her words were sinking in with Alfred on communication. 

The mention of being put down made Ivan speak up. “You see, most people do not understand me. I have always been…” he looked down, eyes staying until brought up again. “ Different. However, Alfred makes me feel as if he gets me. So when he calls me crazy, it only reminds me that no one understands me.” His eyes went back down, his hands pulling out hairs from the pillow. Emma’s ears perked up hearing the personal confession of feeling ostracized, a comment she could believe. Ivan wore a frown that said a million words, so she wanted to tread on the topic. “Have you always felt this way? Even as a child?” 

Her question won a soft nod, a zoned-out look the man had. “Why’s that?” She asked, keeping her voice light. Ivan opened up less than his partner, making any chance to get a complex answer valuable. However, today she wouldn’t get much luck with that. Ivan stayed quiet for a moment, shaking his head and waving his hand. To answer that question would make it dig up thoughts and memories from his childhood that he wanted to keep buried and unthought. “... That question is too much, right now.” His reply made her nod, knowing that she couldn’t force anything from him. Finding Ivan an interesting individual, she’d see what she could pull from a one-on-one with him. Deciding to return to the original topic at hand, she questioned the ex Alfred seemed to dread. 

“Now Ivan, who’s this ex Alfred is speaking of?” She asked since it bothered Alfred deeply. Ivan stood quiet for a moment, proceeding to look her in the eyes. “He is the man I dated before Alfred… for about… eh… six years?” He estimated the time they had spent together. The time they were official landed in a gray area. “He is from China, so his culture is similar to mine with, how they view gay people, yes?” He tried to explain. “We are always in secret. And he could never… publicly be with me. He had to get married to another woman.” The look of hurt appeared on his face, thinking about how troubling it is to be a secret . The shame associated with it, additionally. He had loved Yao with all his heart, unable to have him fully tore his soul up into pieces. 

“But we still dated… I stayed in an apartment near his house… But, after a while… I simply could not do it anymore. I was like a mistress, and it did not feel good.” He expressed, looking side to side as he didn’t like confessing that he slept with a married man. The act is sinful enough, but in his eyes, he felt there's a gray area. He didn’t love the woman- he’d married Ivan if he could. However, it is what it is. And he couldn’t blame Yao for his inability to publicly come out. His own culture is the same, and certain lifestyles were kept under the blanket for life to go on. 

“So you two broke up because of outside sources?” She asked for clarification. Ivan nodded and shrugged, “It is what it is.” He stated calmly, having a disappointed look. He didn’t want to speak on how much he adored and loved Yao in front of his partner, so he kept his response minimal. 

Yao and he had an interesting dynamic. The man was around ten years his senior, and with calming energy, who seemed to handle Ivan well. The respect he got from Ivan unmatched most people, Alfred included. He was wiser, mature, and it intimidated Ivan, putting him in his place more often than not. It proved extremely difficult to pull the same manipulation tactics on a man that not only saw through it; but wouldn’t tolerate it. While their relationship wasn’t perfect and had its flaws, he did love him. Emma could see the pain on Ivan’s face, as this isn’t the first time she heard a similar story. “I’m very sorry, I can imagine it’s hard to… not be with someone, because of things you could never control.” She sat up and opened her hand, “I work with a lot of LGBT couples, and this problem arises often. I bet it leaves you feeling complicated?” She asked, getting a nod from Ivan. 

“And I think Alfred knows that. So when you mention him, it probably worries him since he knows why you ended the relationship…. I remember you mentioning Alfred’s friends, and getting jealous of them. Is mentioning your ex, almost like… a way to get back at him? You think?”

The question made Ivan turn a bit red, as his insecurities were used to explain his bad behavior. He didn’t say anything for a moment, causing Alfred to spit out a “Yes.” 

It won a hand up by the therapist, her not even looking at Alfred since the man knew it meant ‘hush it ’ nicely. The comment had Ivan roll his eyes, glaring back at his husband. “I did not say anything when you called me a reckless drunk , so please do the same for me.” He spat out, irritated. It only got backtalk from Alfred; “I didn’t call you that, don’t put words into my mouth.” 

“What were you calling me then? Because if I can recall, you painted me out to be a lunatic who can’t control himself-“ 

Before they could get any deeper into their fight, Emma cut them off. “ No fighting. No back and forth. We take our turns speaking, and we let the other person express themselves, not interrupted.” She eyed Alfred since he still had a habit of doing it. “I know it can be hard when we feel like our partner isn’t admitting to what you view as a wrongdoing, but you sometimes have to give them a moment to think and reflect. Snarky comments only get someone more defensive.” She explained, hoping that she wouldn’t have to correct Alfred again. 

The bright blond sat back and crossed his arms, being silent since the therapist politely told him to shut up. Ivan's refusal to admit ‘yes’ irked him since he knew Ivan was completely aware of his actions. Ivan enjoyed playing coy and innocent, when many times, he’s far from it. Blurting thoughts and not thinking before he spoke is a common problem for Alfred, even in his adult years. His husband took a deep breath in, feeling a bit stressed out. Wanting to get over the question, he thought up a reasonable answer. “I do not want to think of myself as a person petty enough to do such a thing. But, you could be correct. I do not know.” Playing neutral saved him from admitting wrongdoing, but avoided being viewed as in denial. Emma took note of the habit, as Alfred had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. 

“It would be something to think about. If you know it hurts Alfred, and makes him feel jealous… You shouldn’t use it to get him to do what you want. He’s only going to grow more resentful of your friendship with him, and it’s not healthy to use his insecurities against him. You have to start refraining from using people as emotional bait. If you want Alfred to do something, explain why and ask. And if he says no, respect the answer. Just as Alfred needs to respect when you say no. It goes both ways.” She looked back and forth at the couple, who were sitting quietly and looked a bit guilty. 

“You both do have very dominant personalities. Which is fine, and can work…” She reassured them. “We are attracted to people similar to us. And how we think.” She smiled, offering a friendly tone with her advice. Both of her clients looked guilty, as receiving a reality check by a third party that they were behaving badly made them think a tad bit about how they interact. The silence and no bickering meant both were listening. 

“Compromise. If there is something your partner wants to do, and you don’t agree, you must find a middle ground. Something that makes both of you comfortable. You give in a little, both of you. No name-calling, and no emotional bait. Next time you both disagree, instead of having one of you fully have your way, talk it out. See what you both can do, rather than the other is the problem. I think the issue with couples with strong characters, they believe compromise is… admitting that they are wrong and the other is right. When it isn’t. It only is you recognizing your partner's feelings and willing to make them feel better as long as they do the same.” 

The two stayed quiet, but they both slowly nodded their heads. It appeared as her words were sinking in, they needed some time to adjust to them. Alfred thought on how his words could be affecting Ivan, while his husband started to feel guilty on how he held Yao over his head. ‘Does it hurt him that much?’

“I very much want you too to think about how your words and actions affect each other, and why you do it, alright?”

______________________________

The drive home was quiet, similar to the first session. However, it lacked the extreme awkwardness and tension the first drive had. They listened to music on the radio, with Alfred driving and Ivan staring out the window. Both were reflecting on what Emma had said, which had the two men lacking the mood to gossip and chat with each other. A small part of their mind defended their actions, but another tried to accept that her words might hold some truth to it. The calling out by a third party gave room for reflection, as she didn’t hold the same biases they would. 

Their quietness stayed when they got inside the house; Ivan heading for the kitchen and Alfred going to the living room to watch the television. Preparing for dinner, Ivan decided to make homemade pelmeni. Alfred adored when Ivan made it, which he found assuming. The food is considered an everyday food, nothing fancy. But Alfred’s eyes went wide when he saw Ivan make the dough in the mixing bowl. When it comes to food, Alfred is easy to impress. The man would eat anything and is the least picky eater Ivan’s ever met. Some Americans would make weird faces at Eastern European food due to it looking a bit different, but Alfred would happily shove it down his throat. It did please Ivan, as someone accepting his culture did make him feel loved. 

Flour, water, eggs, beef, onions, garlic- all ingredients that scattered across their countertops as Ivan prepared the meal. Quick hands knew what to do, as even at a young age he had practice at cooking. He tended to swoon lovers with how he cooked, Yao and Alfred being the biggest contenders. His ex found shock on how well he picked up on Chinese cooking, but he strayed from Eastern styled meals when making food for his husband. He felt like making authentic Chinese food often might rub Alfred the wrong way. 

Ivan went through the rounds of preparing and cooking the meal. He ended up in a zone that he didn’t notice for a moment that Alfred had joined him in the kitchen. When feeling a hand on his back, he turned and gave a soft smile to his partner. “You almost scared me.” He teased. He watched Alfred’s expression, which had a calmness to it. His baby blues eyed the mold the pelmeni were in, having a small smile. “Thanks for cooking dinner… I really missed your cooking…” Alfred said, meaning that genuinely. Ever since their big fight last week, Ivan had stopped making meals and would call take out for himself. Alfred found himself pretty close to caving in and begging Ivan to cook again. Even if he figured Ivan would respond with an eye roll and a comment that Alfred is a grown man and needs to feed himself. Someone making him food warmed his heart, it made him special. He isn’t sure what about the gesture made him so happy, but having someone make meals for him gave a feeling of love. Small things like Ivan making him a cup of coffee before he woke up were all cherished. Nothing would match the feeling of Ivan’s fingers in his hair, as the smell of a coffee made him open his eyes. It had been a couple of weeks since Ivan acted like that. The cute, meaningful, everyday things his husband did for him; dearly missed and was what he hated when they fought. He fell in love with Ivan over his doting nature, so not receiving it caused a bit of heartbreak. 

Ivan knew Alfred liked his cooking, but with their bad moods, he didn’t have the energy or want to make it happen. The therapy session did brighten his mood a little; while he didn’t like a couple of things Alfred said during the session, it's nice to hear Alfred admit he shouldn't call him. He constantly felt like he is treated weird by others, but that Alfred understood him. Therefore, hearing the person he thought understood him to sound like everyone else stung. 

“I know, it is why I am. I felt like being nice.” He explained, his voice still has a teasing tone. The comment made Alfred chuckle, playful banter being their love language. Leaning back against the countertop, he watched Ivan put a sheet of dough over the dumplings and use a wood pin to connect it. His eyes trailed to Ivan’s, as the man focused on his craft. Aching to talk about their session, he brought it up lightly. “You like the session today? I did.” He asked, needing to hear an honest response from his husband. He usually didn’t need to beg to get one from him. 

Ivan nodded, easy to agree to that statement. “Not as tense as before. Perhaps, it being a more calm environment makes us think more, yes?” He said, ending his sentence with a question, a common habit. Alfred found it cute, and would notice Ivan doing it when speaking Russian. It made the comments coming from of his lips land a tad bit softer for some reason. 

Nodding, his hand squeezed the marble countertop, looking down at the floor. “Yeah. I know we are like, only scratching the surface. And shit might get more intense, but I like being able to calmly talk about these things.” Rude comments and ex themed emotional bait were the lighter issues the pair had. Talking about issues where both of them knew they were being wrong made it easier to swallow. Alfred worried about when conversations get deeper if they’d go back to fighting and deflecting. The pair weren’t the best listeners at times, and tempers raised easily. 

Hearing a hum of agreeing from his partner, Alfred kept watching him separate the dumplings from each other. A tad bit worried his idea would get shot down, he decided to go on and ask anyway. “So… you don’t have work Friday through this Monday right?” The current work holiday left them with a four day weekend. Having a similar schedule, he wanted to treat Ivan for a night or two. Once he heard Ivan confirm that he did have those days off, he offered up his proposal. 

“Wanna…. Go somewhere fun? Like, go to a nice hotel for the weekend?” 

Ivan moved his head so his eyes could be on his husband. The suggestion of a getaway sounded like a fantastic time but he feeling somewhat confused. “Wanting a divorce, and now wanting a vacation?” His question made Alfred feel more awful. He felt guilty that Ivan had an assumption that he’s up and ready to leave him. When in reality, he knew filing and going through with a divorce would be a grueling process. Alfred loved Ivan greatly, as the tall man with a sweet smile had been the center of his world for five years. Infatuated with him since the first day he landed his eyes on him. He knew he wouldn’t run into a person similar to Ivan again. The two were both needy souls, desperate for something meaningful. Alfred had issues verbalizing what made him fall for Ivan. Between the man’s kindness, wit, and intelligence, he never had a boring time with his husband. Sadly, while Ivan had beautiful qualities, there were instances where his negative ones over shined it. 

He tried to get the sharp feeling in his heart to go away, his face wearing his guilt as he could not hide his emotions. “I don’t want a divorce, I love you. Can you stop saying that? You’re making it sound like I wouldn’t be devastated if we broke up.” He looked down at the floor, eyeing the titles. Ivan watched the display of emotions, himself feeling a tad bit guilty. They’d had a session speaking on Ivan’s habit of emotional tactics. Now he used them at any opportunity to get back at Alfred’s threats to leave him. Glancing at the water boiling, he threw the dumplings in and started to stir. “When would you want to leave?” Ivan asked, attempting to make up for the guilt-tripping he did a moment earlier. Hearing Ivan sound interested in the trip, he did pipe up a bit. “We could leave Friday, and come back Monday morning. I know there’s a lot of good resorts nearby… I think we’d have a nice time, ya’ know, away from home....” Alfred body language came off awkward, making Ivan wonder if this is one of Alfred’s ways of trying to make up for something. He had a habit of taking Ivan out or buying him things as a form of an apology. Throwing money at problems would have a decent success rate with Ivan. Having a deep appreciation for acts of kindness, Alfred getting him a gift or taking him somewhere he adored often softened him up.

Ivan kept quiet for a moment, thinking on the idea. The house had been tense and awkward, so perhaps a change in the environment would relax them. The pair were both on eggshells, leaving them feeling odd, despite if they weren't fighting. “It has been… a stressful time in this house. Maybe a change of scenery will be calming.” His way of agreeing, he nodded to Alfred’s plan to get away for a day or so. A spark desperately needed relight with the pair. A bright grin growing on his face, Alfred stood up and gave a kiss on Ivan’s cheek. 

“Right on it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's wondering how this is formatted, it's going to be a mix of present day and flashbacks of their relationship. Some will be either or, and some will have both. Thank you :^) ]


	4. When Sex Doesn't Solve All Problems

“You still asleep, baby?”

Alfred asked with a whisper, his voice low and husky. He looked down at his husband, who's lying on his side, back facing him. No response, he assumed the answer and pulled the covers over him. 

First thing Ivan did when arriving at the resort is lay on the bed. An hour long drive felt extended from his exhaustion. The man had stayed up late to finish a report for work. With a task given the last minute by his boss, Ivan felt annoyed about having to pull an all-nighter, and return to work the next day. His entire day he felt exhausted, his eyes feeling heavy when he helped Alfred pack for the weekend. He attempted to doze off in the car, but the bumpy roads and loud traffic made it hard. Nevertheless, once a king-sized bed was in his vision, he jumped on it and knocked out. 

It being no surprise to Alfred, he let his tired husband nap. He had advised his partner to call out today, but Ivan felt uncomfortable at the idea. The point of the weekend is relaxation and unwinding, so no grievances on Ivan sleeping the first time they got there. Alfred found himself glancing back and forth from the T.V. to Ivan, as he thought the sweatpants and matching hood he wore was cute. Enjoying how the fabric hugged his body, he wished there had been less tension in the relationship for him to be playful. Pulling his waistband, pinching his thighs, rubbing his feet. He missed soft touches and the flirtations, but he lacked the usual confidence to proceed. His natural flirt had toned down, especially after their last huge fight that made Alfred sleep in the guest room to begin with. Even before then, his flirt meter was low, but that fight was the nail in the coffin. 

_“Baby steps, right?”_ Alfred though, tucking in Ivan. Feeling his stomach growl, he ordered room service and kept watching action shows on the screen. With his food arriving, the current movie marathon, and shoving food in his face, time went by. Half way through a large pizza, his eyes got glued to the television until he heard a small snicker. Turning his head, he saw his awake husband nuzzling the pillow and having a small grin on his face. Pleased to see it, he smiled back, the corner of his lip having tomato sauce on it. “Hey… what are you giggling about?” He asked, unaware that from Ivan’s vision he did look pretty silly. 

Sitting up, Ivan scooted closer as he used his thumb to wipe off the sauce. Licking it off his finger, the act did make Alfred mentally blush. Reaching for a piece of pizza from the pan, he pulled it off, folding it. “You just look funny…” Alfred was laying back, the entire pan of the pizza on his chest. All while he sat back and watched T.V., being lazy on using a plate and sit up. Unsurprised that half is gone, he couldn’t judge since he could eat as much. Chewing on a piece, the favor of the melted cheese and sauce did wake him up a bit. Laying a leg on top of Alfred’s, the hint made his husband hold up the pan and sit up. Putting it on his lap, he let Ivan lean on to him as he ate. He stared at Ivan while he did, his cheeks turning pink. Watching his husband eat could be a turn on, he didn’t know why it just is . Considering if he wore something he thought was cute, he could stare the whole time. 

Hard to ignore Alfred’s staring, he snuck a smile as he finished the piece. They both grinned at each other, staying close as their eyes locked. Both lost for a moment, they got an odd feeling that made them look away. Usually, moments like these would lead to contact, but the awkwardness seemed to replace it. The pair mentally cursed on why everything felt tenser. Despite a good mood, there's something in the air that would stop them from acting like their usual selves. Their chest developed a strange feeling every time the awkwardness got recognized. 

Ivan stared at the bed, followed by looking back up at his husband. Wanting to do something to push away the awkwardness, he decided to try something romantic rather than pouting about the tension. “I feel a bit sweaty… Want to take a bath with me? When was the last time we did that?” He asked, raising a brow as he sat up. The pair used to shower/bathe together constantly, but the sweet habit isn't common these weeks. Ivan recalled feeling satisfied when he watched Alfred eat his cooking the other night; a boyish smile that he could effortlessly create. He had forgotten how it warmed his heart to see his husband excited with his food. It lingered in his mind that perhaps they needed to push themselves to do romantic actions to help with the tension. Wondering if it would ever come without effort again is a question that did pop up in the back of his mind. 

Alfred blinked a few times, grinning and nodding. “Yeah, that would be nice!” His voice had an excited tone. He found it embarrassing that he hadn’t seen him naked in a couple of weeks. The slightly perverted man would take any chance to glimpse at Ivan, clothes off. Their partnership being more than five years didn’t cause disinterest in his attraction. He’d stare and grin as much as when they began dating. 

He took note of Alfred’s positive response, it is encouraging. Standing up, he watched Alfred stand up and wipe the crumbs off his shirt and on the floor, making him snort a bit. His puppy is messy at times, but he found it part of his charm; most of the time. Ivan went through the suitcase for toiletries, leaving Alfred to figure out how the bath worked. Both finishing their task, Ivan walked inside the bathroom with wide eyes, impressed. “Oh, it is huge, thank goodness.” They both enjoyed bathing together, but Ivan’s height provided an issue from time to time. Ivan's used to some things just not working in his romantic life due to being so tall. Car sex and certain positions being top of the list.

“Yeah, it is, I like it…” Alfred responded with a grin, pouring soap on top of the faucet to create bubbles. The attempts to make it romantic added brownie points in Ivan’s eyes, giving him the confidence to flirt with his partner. “So, are you going to explain the reason why you are still wearing clothes? I find it quite rude, yes?” He joked, holding back a smirk as he reached over and took off Alfred’s glasses, which were folded and placed on the countertop. The humor won a chuckle out of Alfred, who began to lose a few layers. “Pfft- I apologize for the transgression.” He played back, throwing his shirt over his head. Ivan gave a firm nod, approving of the undressing, “It better not happen again.” His smirk did sneak out, getting a bit giddy from the interaction. It had slipped his mind the happiness he received from such simple and fun moments. 

Not long until clothes got lost, Alfred got in first. It gave him the chance to stare at Ivan longer before he got in. Used to shameless glances, Ivan got on the opposite side, putting his feet on each side of Alfred’s waist. Relieved that they both fit, he didn’t pull when he felt Alfred’s hand on his leg, playing with the blond/silverish hairs that grew on them. “Do not remind me how hairy I am…” He teased, referring to Alfred’s stroking. Winning a snort, Alfred let go and laid back, closing his eyes as he shook his head. He felt the metal faucet on his back, pouring hot water on his muscles. “Who you telling? I swear, I don’t know what happened, but turning thirty only made me grow hair fucking everywhere.” Alfred complained, splashing water on his chest. The hairs in that area darkened, as the water made them appear thicker. Ivan leaned in, playing with his chest hair. Being a platinum blond, most of his body hair camouflaged into his skin. Alfred's dirty blond hair rewarded him with browner than blond hair, making it stand out more. Ivan found the look attractive, feminine men not his type. “It looks good on you; I would not mind being so hairy if I was not _fat._ ” Saying the word with such harshness, Alfred rolled his eyes at the claim. 

“You’re not fat! You look fine.”

“Listen, all I know is, that when I turned thirty, I gained weight by looking at carbs.”

Alfred laughed and shook his head again in his disbelief. “Baby, you’ve been like, the same weight all your life. I think you’ve only gotten a little bit thicker…” He sighed, frowning, “Meanwhile, I used to have a six-pack, but now I have a dad bod and I don’t even have any god damn kids.” In reality, the pair were both being dramatic and overcritical. Ivan had only gained a bit more weight throughout his twenties to his thirties. A similar case is for Alfred, as while he had lost the 'barely any fat, mostly abs' body type, muscles were still seen, and appearing strong hadn't faded. The difference is that someone could pinch his stomach now. 

The comparison made Ivan break into a laugh, which made Alfred chuckle as well. As sounds of joy filled the room, Ivan attempted to make Alfred feel better with himself. “I like it though… I like the hot dad look, I think you look better than you did when you were younger…” He confessed, with Alfred giving a shy smile. He had heard it from Ivan, but he felt it was a lie. Shaking his head, he picked up one of Ivan’s feet and started to rub his thumb into his soles. “You don’t gotta lie to make me feel better.” He slightly teased. Staying fit came easier when he was young, but he’d quickly find that as he got older, he lacked the same metabolism that let him eat whatever he wanted. 

Ivan hummed from the rubbing, but pouted when accused of lying. “I am not! You were attractive, of course, but… I do not know, I think the older, strong look is… very sexy.” He admitted, offering a smile to show his honesty. It all came from the heart, since he understood the feeling of hating your appearance. “You look like a man , not a boy who can run to the gym everyday…” His comment did win a surprising flush from Alfred. Taking the glory of getting him to blush, he proceeded on. “... And you should grow a beard…” Ivan found facial hair on Alfred attractive, however, his partner seemed to dislike the look on himself. Growing a beard would end in Alfred shaving it midway, to Ivan’s dismay. 

Alfred looked up from the heel he was rubbing to raise a brow. “I think I look so old with one… But…” He raised the foot he was rubbing to kiss it, placing it back on his lap. The kiss made Ivan make a small 'heh', as he is ticklish. “... I’ll think about it…” He offered, winning a _‘Yay!’_ from his husband. Remembering what his father said last time he went to work with one did make him grin with embarrassment. “Last time though, when I tried to grow one out my dad said I looked homeless…” The comment made Ivan roll his eyes and wave his hand. “I am the only person having sex with you, therefor, my opinion is most important.” He told, in a rather blunt tone. The statement did make Alfred snort as he nodded, agreeing. “That is… true…”, a tiny smirk stayed on Ivan’s lips as they were both relaxed and sat in the bath in silence. 

It started to hit Ivan how much he yearned for their teasing and flirting, and how Alfred could get him to laugh. Boring conversations were rare with Alfred, he appreciated his witty comebacks. The silence came from the pair both pondering on while they enjoyed the return of flirting and being silly, they wondered if a serious conversation is needed. Their common coping skill to fighting is warming up and being intimate with each other. A habit they were seemingly falling into again. Ever since their therapy session, they had light conversations, but both avoided getting deeper in fear of sparking up a bad argument. Unlike therapy, they didn’t have a mediator. 

“Maybe not having sex is why things are awkward…”

As if they had the same brain, they both thought that perhaps the lack of intimacy the past two weeks was causing the tension. The pair going the easy route, they blamed their awkwardness on lack of sex. Both had something in the back of their head tell them there's more than that, however, having sex is much easier than talking about issues. Silent from them both mentally arguing with themselves, Alfred became the first to speak up. “... You should sit on my lap.” He asked, looking up from the feet he was rubbing. Ivan sighed, but had a small smile, “I am too big to do that in the bath…"

“No! There’s enough room…” Alfred debated, pointing to the space of each side of him. Ivan sighed again, but gave in to the request. “Alright, alright…” Pulling his feet back, he got on his knees and turned around, scouting back with care to fit himself. Each leg on the side of Alfred, he sat on his lap, having a relaxed grin when he felt Alfred wrap his arms on him and rest his chin on his shoulder. His body craved these touches, Ivan melting into him. He tried to avoid leaning back much since Alfred was sitting in front of the faucet. Before he could do anything, he felt a soft pair of lips trailing his neck. Letting a loud hum escape, he closed his eyes and let his body relax. The kissing on his neck caused a stir inside him, the feeling bringing back a few memories of the last time they made love. Having a body desperate for attention, he let Alfred have free range. Strong hands gripped his thighs, with his lips still sucking and playing with his neck. Ivan could feel a heat growing in his lower half, with something hard under him. Deciding to tease for payback, he ground down on the lap he sat on. Getting a small sound from his husband proved rewarding, with him getting a small nip on his neck for the act. 

Before they could indulge further, Ivan decided to take back some of the control he was losing to his partner. Leaning forward, he broke from Alfred's hold, being on his knees, and switching back to sitting down. A whine heard from Alfred, who’s eyes watched the water drip down his body. A slight pout on his boyish face, he didn’t care for the stripping away of intimacy before it began. “I didn’t say you could get up…” he complained, leaning as his hands went to rub Ivan’s legs. The I statement made Ivan raise an eyebrow, amused by Alfred’s possessive language. “You say that as if you _own_ me…” Ivan avoided confessing how that form of dirty talk is arousing, as he relished in someone saying that they took a claim to him. 

“‘Cause I do…”

The comment made Ivan put his hand into the water, to pull it back up and use the droplets to flick it at his husband. Expecting that reaction, Alfred closed his eyes and opened them back up again. A tiny smirk appeared on his lips, proof that he believed what he had stated. A mix of turned on and annoyed, Ivan leaned in, trailing his finger on Alfred’s jawline. The smooth skin being a sign that he had shaven that morning. “You are extremely cocky, it is going to get you in trouble one day…” The warning went one ear out the other, with Alfred grabbing the hand that touched his face. Pulling it to get Ivan closer, his impatience started to build up. “I thought you said you liked it…” The pulling got Ivan to get his hand out his grip, going back to leaning against the tub. 

“ Sometimes.” He confessed, resting his hands in his lap. He kept a slight frown on his face, wanting to keep with the teasing. The interaction gave life to their erections, with Ivan eyeing his spouses and looking away after. Still debating his tactics, he kept with his plan of playing hard to get. Even when he had looked at his partner’s lap, the large member made his mouth feel empty, it was itching for a filling. The display annoyed Alfred further, who wished Ivan would give up the facade. “Why do you gotta play hard to get right now? It’s been a while, don’t you wanna be nice?” He asked, having a smile as he leaned in to attempt to rub on him. “I love you…” He cooed, tapping his lips, his way of asking for a kiss. While a part of the statement was true, a part of Ivan’s pride wanted to witness his partner beg and work for attention. Payback in his head for the lack of reaching out. He had been so accustomed to Alfred initiating first mostly, that when it ended he took a slight offense. Pride tended to cloud Ivan’s judgment, increasing when it came to looking needy. 

“Hard to get? You say that as if I am withholding something. What is there to get?” Arms crossed, he stood still and rejected Alfred’s request for a kiss, not returning the comment.

In the past, that type of statement would reward Ivan with Alfred getting blunt and frisky, however, it got him slightly discouraged. No mood for a common dynamic they played, Alfred had simple emotional needs at the moment. Sighing, his hands rubbed Ivan’s lower legs, looking down as he shrugged. He enjoyed the softness under his fingertips. “I guess there isn’t anything…” It was unusual for Alfred to give up so easily, and not play along with Ivan’s behavior. He wanted something much different, and Ivan’s not picking it up made him sad. 

Disappointed by the reaction from his commonly active puppy, Ivan frowned as he nudged Alfred with his foot. “What is wrong with you?” He asked without sugar coating, upset by the pout on his love’s face. Pouts on such a boyish face made Ivan feel like he kicked a puppy, his at least. Alfred shrugged as he used his thumbs to stroke his legs. “Nothing, bunny.” He responded, wondering if continuing with leg rubs and a less cocky attitude would win back a nicer Ivan. He did enjoy it when Ivan faked being mean and disinterested, but with all the fighting and tension, it mentally made it hard to draw the line on Ivan being a tease and Ivan being unwilling. “There’s a pool if you wanna sneak in later…” Alfred offered.

The change in the topic made Ivan blink, bothered by Alfred’s usual reaction. “Why are you acting like this?” He asked, ignoring Alfred’s question. He had expected a certain behavior, and what is presented to him is the exact opposite of what he wanted. The accusation of acting weird made Alfred shrug again, unsure of what to say or do. “How do you want me to act?” He asked, voice hinting confusion. Pouting, more, Ivan sat up as he nudged Alfred with his foot again. “... Like you usually do. You are going to let me pull away?” He expected grabs and flirtations, not a quiet Alfred. 

With an embarrassed grin, Alfred decided honesty is the best for the situation. “... I just want you to be _nice_ to me right now.” He confessed. While he hated to sound boring , his heart had ached for sweet talk and loving behavior. 

Eyes going wide, a wave of guilt hit Ivan. He found it selfish of himself not to consider that the tension might have made Alfred's confidence shrink. ‘My puppy needs some love…’ Ivan thought. Opening his arms, he got up and sat on Alfred’s lap. Leaning forward, he placed his hands on Alfred’s chest. “If you want it sweet, simply tell me… You know I am only playing around…” He explained, feeling bad that he might have made Alfred feel rejected in some way. He leaned his head forward, bringing them both into a passionate kiss. Alfred wrapped his arms on him, moving his lips with no rejection. Soft lips interlocking with his, they both moaned under the kiss. Ivan enjoyed Alfred’s tenderness; he could see that his puppy craved gentle touches. With how he rubbed his back, to how he pulled away and interlocked his lips when they kissed. Slow, deep kisses got Ivan slightly dazed, with his own hands going to rub Alfred’s chest and shoulders. A slight nip on Ivan’s bottom lip made him chuckle, pleased to get loving bites. Alfred returned to his neck again, taking up the chance to hear him moan. Not fighting it, Ivan hummed and whined a few tiny sounds, his neck being such a weak point. 

His kisses turned into sucking, Alfred’s goal to get a hickey or two on to Ivan. Ivan would constantly whine afterward regarding the marks, but secretly he adored the symbol of ownership. Hickeys, bruises, bites; his active puppy had a habit of possession. True to his nickname, he would mark up what he thought is his . Ivan couldn’t blame his pet for such primal urges, he’d get a similar satisfaction when he wrapped a collar on his neck. 

Ivan ran his fingers through Alfred’s blond hair, small pulls at it when he felt a nip or bite. Alfred's attacks on his neck made their erections press together. Both filled with pleased fueled tension, Alfred decided to move the night along before the water got cold. Pulling away, he grinned up at his husband and squeezed his hips. He received a small smile and a kiss on the forehead, a tiny act that gave a warm feeling in his chest. “Don’t you wanna get out?”, he asked, getting a nod from Ivan. Placing his hands on each side of the tub, he used it as support to get himself off Alfred’s lap. The pair fumbled to find towels, with Ivan being happy that he got to wrap up Alfred first. “I am glad my puppy is clean and does not have fleas…” He joked, putting the towel on his waist as he walked out. The teasing got Ivan pushed on the bed in a teasing manner, Alfred joining him, Ivan looked down on the wet sheets, as it stuck to his skin. “Our bed is all wet now…” Ivan pouted, getting pulled closer by Alfred. 

“Come here…” 

Ivan reacted to the pulls and pleas with doing so. Sitting on his lap, he leaned in for a few added kisses, smiling underneath them. Feeling grabby hands on his waist, it kept his erection hard as he had been so desperate for touches and attention. Wanting to make up for misreading Alfred’s desires, he decided to show off. Pulling from the kiss, he scooted backward, laying his chest in between his husband’s legs. He used the tip of his finger to stroke up and down Alfred’s member. Rewarded with a whine from him, he smirked. Taking it into his hand, and gripping hard as he stroked it gradually. With Alfred laying his head on the pillow, Ivan had a slight view of his face. Seeing a flushed expression, he continued with his teasing. Ivan rested his head on one of Alfred’s thighs, enjoying the look of it. Soft skin but thick and firm; looking at it made Ivan’s mouth feel empty. Unnatural, his body craved a filling. Humming a few times, he chose to take Alfred out of the misery of teasing by opening his mouth and sticking out his tongue. Putting it on the base of his length, he sat upon his elbows. Slowly, his tongue gave a lap from the bottom to the tip. Once on the top, he let it into his mouth, filling it up as he went downwards. He could feel it twitch in his mouth, and the groan he got from his husband encouraged him.

A sigh of relief escaped from Alfred’s mouth, as Ivan’s soft lips on his lower half were yearned for. The sensations of a wet, hot tongue all over his cock made him tense up. Raised heartbeat, his breathing hitched every time Ivan would take him completely down his throat. Sounds of a slight gag would be followed by gasping, Ivan catching his breath to only repeat the action. Saliva dripped down his thick member, with his husband catching it with large laps. Groans filling the room kept Ivan confident to continue, speeding up as he bobbed his head up and down. He stroked it while he did so, never having a moment at rest. The sensation of such a large part in his mouth exceeded his arousal, as he adored each sound, groan and gasp he won from his husband. Alfred had a holiday on cloud nine. One of his hands went behind Ivan’s head to stroke his hair. Mindful that his spouse enjoyed the feeling of someone playing with his hair, he kept with gentle touches. The tips of his fingers going in circles. The complete delight went through his lower half, sensitive to the wet touch and soft lips by the second. 

Bobbing his head for a moment, he gradually pulled his head up. Letting his cock fall from his mouth with a _‘pop’._ Licking his lips, he lifted his chest on his hands to get a better view of Alfred’s face. Adoring the flushed cheeks and lip biting, he let a small hum escape before he laid his head back down between Alfred’s legs. A wet tongue on his hanging pair would guarantee a moan from his husband, making Ivan move Alfred’s member out of the way. Wrapping his lips around his balls, he sucked on them with care and used his tongue to play with them. The soft skin and hair made them effortless easy to suck on, with him grinning when he heard moans and felt Alfred tense up. Pondering on how he might repeat this tonight to make up for the last two weeks. Ivan desperately craved hearing sounds of satisfaction and having his usually cocky husband being on the whim for him. 

_ “Ah, fuck .”  _

The swearing kept Ivan delighted, with him repeating the action of taking his balls into his mouth, sucking them carefully, and letting them pop out. He got a rise from Alfred doing it, the man staying in bliss. All from the pleasure of his husband’s talented mouth. All the sounds kept Ivan’s erection hard, it pressing against the bed. Feeling Alfred tense up in his hands, he decided to slow down and pause to tease him a bit. Sitting upon his hands, he got up and sat on Alfred’s legs. This lets his erection in front of him. Getting a full view of Alfred’s body and face, he wore a slick smile as he took his cock into both of his hands, stroking it teasingly. “How are you feeling?” He asked with a voice dripping in sugar, with him aware of the answer to the question. 

Alfred did pause himself, as he had spent the last fifteen minutes in his own world. Processing what Ivan said, he showed a lazy grin as he opened his eyes. “...Great...” He replied, airy chuckles escaped from his lips as his stare went to look at the hands on his cock. Ivan gave a small laugh back, enjoying the response. He looked down at his husband’s cock as he kept with his slow, strong strokes that he used both hands to do. “I forgot how long it takes you to come…” The comment made Alfred blush and scratch the side of his head, feeling guilty. "I’m sorry…” he apologized. He recalled Ivan telling him how much he loved that Alfred lasted long, but perhaps he had changed his mind. But Ivan would shake his head at the response, still stroking his member with a rhythm.

“Oh, no, I love it. I enjoy getting so much time with it in my mouth… It feels so right when I suck it, as if it belongs down my throat…” he said in a hushed, husky voice. Conscious that giving Alfred compliments and stroking his ego would quicken the process of getting him to climax. It wasn’t that he is fatigued, he's definitely able to play with it for much longer. He was, however, eager to watch Alfred have an orgasm due to him. “I love when the tip hits the back of my throat… And when I get to drink your come…” Squeezing it when he said ‘drink’, he observed Alfred’s reaction. His husband’s breathing had gotten erratic, his chest fluctuating as the pleasure built up. He couldn’t deny that he got such arousal when Ivan spoke like that. He recognized dirty talk didn’t come so easily from his husband, so watching him attempt a sexy persona and impress him further enticed him. 

“...It is so big, it is hard not to gag… Not that I mind…” Ivan’s strokes swift, knowing that Alfred was close due to his body language. He let some sit pool up in his mouth, allowing it to drop out. Coming down on Alfred’s cock, it added smoothness to his strokes. Alfred opened his eyes, fully gratified by the sight. Ivan’s cocky smile had vagueness to it, and the enchanting language proved sensational. Panting, he ran his hands through his sweat-filled hair. A few sentences could make Alfred go over.

“This is mine, you know that, yes?” He asked a question that needed no answer. “I own it.” His voice went from sweet and husky to stern, with a raised brow. “I do whatever I want with it… I get to have it down my throat whenever I want… I get to have come dripping down my face whenever I want…” His stroking fastened, him knowing the perfect pace. “Oh, and get to sit on it whenever I want… I do not even need to ask…” Alfred’s mind went fuzzy, as his body tensed up, him being so close. Face red, hands gripping Ivan’s thick thighs, he was completely in the moment. Having an awareness of his state, Ivan leaned in and provided an admission that would complete his task. “However I want it, you know exactly how to give it to me… My puppy has been trained well, you do not need directions on how to fuck me… You know, yes?” 

_ “God damn it-” _

And with that, Alfred erupted, come getting all over Ivan’s hands. Some landed on his stomach too. An orgasm rocked through his body, him tensing up under Ivan as he panted and moaned with speed. Ivan could feel his legs attempt to squirm under him, his weight kept them still. Eyes rolling to the back of his head, the little show put him on cloud nine. Alfred ran his fingers through his hair again, wiping off the sweat that built upon his forehead. His own body felt the jolts of pleasure, a sudden feeling of relaxation after. His face felt hot, as he was a bit out of breath for a moment. Such naughty things coming from such a mouth that had a sweet tone. It got him good , with him looking at Ivan with a love-struck look. 

“Oh, _possessive,_ that is what got you…” Ivan teased, referring to the language that made Alfred go over the edge. Having semen all over his hands, he took the passion of the moment for nastiness. Opening one of his palms, he stuck out his tongue, licking the white liquid up. From the palm to his fingers, he took his time catching each drop. Giving Alfred a performance, he had to keep himself from winching. Salty , Alfred’s seed didn’t taste the best. While he would swallow, he’d try to keep Alfred’s tip in the back of his throat to minimize the taste. Licking it off of his hands with urgency forced him to taste it in detail. 

But, Alfred loved it, so he’d be nice. 

His husband did watch, finding enjoyment in the show. Ivan would mimic how he licked Alfred’s cock with his fingers, reminding the man how incredible it felt. His heart did flutter, aware his salty semen wasn’t sweet to taste, but Ivan performed the act anyway. He found it thoughtful and fueled him to return the favor with added quality. “... It tastes bad, doesn’t it?” He asked a weak grin on his lips. 

Ivan used his finger to wipe up some seed that had landed on Alfred’s abdomen. Wrapping his lips on the finger, he sucked on it without hesitation, pulling it out when he had swallowed the rest. “Yes. It is quite disgusting, actually…” He stated with a matter of fact tone. Leaning in, he placed a kiss on his husband’s forehead. “But it is from you , so it is alright…” he teased, smiling down at him. The comment kept Alfred’s face red, with him starting to get antsy. His hands squeezed Ivan’s waist, it was his turn now. It all fueled his need to give back, as he couldn’t help himself but to get grabby. He patted the space next to him, signally Ivan to get off his legs. Doing so, Ivan knew what Alfred was up to, and had no objections. Laying his back on the soft blankets, he opened his legs and grinned when his husband got in between them. 

Alfred slipped his arms under Ivan’s knees, hooking his arms around it to keep his legs open. He gripped his hands on his thighs, kissing the inner skin. Soft and pale, it made it easy to mark up. His lips sucked the area, turning his pale skin into dark purple hickeys. He kept up with his work, his tongue and lips playing with his inner thighs, teasing Ivan. His husband pouted and whined, knowing what he was doing. He could tell Alfred was trying to work him up as much as possible, and it was being successful. Ivan’s erection stayed hard but ignored, with Alfred’s lips getting close to it but never touching it. With his legs pried open, he did the same technique to his hole; kissing around it, but never _on_ it. Ivan’s member hurt, as he tried to squirm but Alfred’s tight hold made it impossible. Whines escaped Ivan’s mouth, as all the kisses were torture. Every time Alfred seemed like he'd either lick his hole or cock, he’d kiss further away. Alfred could feel Ivan’s feet moving on his back, which he found cute. His death grip on his thighs and legs made his feet the simple thing that could squirm. Tiny pants from Ivan’s lips developed, as he became needier. He had a hunch that Alfred wanted a few begs, and with his pride overtaken by a wave of urges, Ivan caved. 

“Puppy… please…” He begged, using one of his hands to play with Alfred’s hair. He had a sugary-sweet tone, one that would get Alfred to give in. The plea had worked, with Alfred going and giving a long lap. From his hole, past his pair, and up to the tip of his member. Then taking it inside of his mouth and sucking on his tip. Ivan let out a gasp, his lower parts twitching from the sudden hot touch. Anticipation did pay off, as he began to melt in his partner's arms with ease. Pulling his hand from Alfred’s hair, he played with the sheets next to him. Closing his eyes, he let out a few gasps when Alfred’s mouth took him in deeper, mocking the similar moves he’d pulled previously. The groans slipping from Ivan’s lips made Alfred work harder on making them louder. He moved his head back and forth, his lips and tongue playing with the tip, slipping it back into his mouth. He used his best attempt of getting his member as deep as possible down his throat. Keeping his head still while sucking, he pulled it out of his mouth at a slow pace, panting a bit. 

Hums escaped from Ivan’s lips with a soft tone. Alfred found it charming that his husband had a gentle voice, to begin with. People expected a deep voice when they saw the tall Russian, but were met with a sound that was smooth and light. Alfred thought it was melodious, and easy to listen to. In a similar state as his husband was earlier, Ivan’s mind went fuzzy as he's losing to the pleasure. It came easy, undoubtedly when he felt soft lips kiss his hole. Such a sensitive area toyed with got Ivan antsier, his hands gripping the sheets next to him harder.

“... Oh, puppy, I know you can try harder…” Ivan said it like a whisper, steady and light. Teasing his husband got Alfred to show off; to Ivan’s pleasure. _His_ puppy could do tricks on the spot, all he had to do is ask. 

Hearing the challenge, Alfred unwrapped his arms from Ivan’s thighs, instead putting his hands on the back of his knees, pushing them towards Ivan to get easier access. Legs and feet in the air, it made Ivan more exposed. Grinning, Alfred gave a small nip to his thigh, kissing and rubbing his tongue against his hole. Getting a jolt of pleasure from each lick or kiss in such a sensitive spot, Ivan kept squirming in Alfred’s hold. With a red face and a quick heartbeat, Ivan nuzzled his head into the pillow under him. The relentless groping coupled with a warm tongue had Ivan enraptured in the moment. His body is desperate for his husband’s attention. One of the reasons he rapidly fell for Alfred was his dedication and passion; he fully embodied the term ‘pleasure top’ . Attentive and needing to please, lovemaking couldn't end until he got to watch Ivan’s eyes roll to the back of his head. His husband left unsatisfied could be the biggest ego killer, he thrived on being good. 

A slippery tongue moved from his hole and trailed up, going to his balls and slipping into Alfred’s mouth. He mocked the similar slow, gentle sucking that Ivan had done to him minutes ago. A smirk on Alfred’s lips could be felt as he listened to the coos of his lover. Alfred felt thrilled to hear his favorite sounds, each hum and ‘ah’ hit his ears like music. Fingers gripping his malleable thighs, he let his tongue travel up the side of his husband’s cock, slipping it back into his mouth. Similar to Ivan, he had a craving to hear and see his partner come, the gap of lovemaking they had heightened it. Letting go of one thigh, his free hand traveled to his hole, slipping a finger inside. Once Ivan felt his finger hit a sensitive spot, he tensed up in Alfred’s hold. Hit with a feeling of bliss each time without a doubt. The mix of Alfred’s fingers, and his cock inside his mouth enough. He started to daze out, gasping when Alfred swirled his tongue on his tip. Another finger got added, doubling each jolt he felt from the constant probing. From his cock to his hole, all the pleasure built up, desperate for release. It became too difficult to hold back any noises, signaling his closeness to completion. An expert at reading Ivan’s body language during sex, Alfred took the hint. Moving both fingers rapidly, he let Ivan’s member slip down his throat to his best ability. At mercy to every touch, Ivan’s body couldn’t hold back. Gripping the sheets next to him, his entire body tensed up, as waves of pleasure pushed through. Panting heavily, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, his mouth open as airy sounds escaped. His heart pounded, pumping blood throughout his body. Shaking under Alfred’s hold, a long string of pants left his lips, the final ones turning into moans. His husband could feel come dripping down the back of his throat, gulping down the salty liquid without effort. Caged in his arms, Alfred had a grin as he drank every final drop before letting Ivan’s cock slip out. High from his ego, he took advantage of Ivan’s exposed lower half. Which is giving a large smack to his left ass cheek. He got to relish how the fat bounced in his hand and Ivan’s whine from it. He kissed the red skin, offering a few loving smooches to his red hole. Missing his lips, he crawled on top of Ivan. Alfred used the hovering to plant a kiss on his lips. He got met with a sloppy, tongue kiss from his dazed husband. Keeping his cocky grin, he rolled to the side, keeping his partner in his arms. 

They both laid there panting, with Ivan attempting to catch up. They both sought comfort, making the pair wrap their arms and legs on each other. Staying in silence, they basked in their post-love making bliss. With soft strokes and gentle touches, the pair played with each other with care. Ivan twirled his fingers in Alfred’s chest hair, as his husband brushed Ivan’s platinum hair behind his ear. Both delicate, they wanted to make up for missing out on all these careful touches lovemaking would bring. Chest calm, breathing steady, their eyes met. Staring at each other, they tested the aura surrounding them. Eye contact used to come without trouble before, and recently it felt awkward. They both put effort, but looking down at the same time. Their eyes are trailing everywhere but each other. The couple tried to fight the tension.

Sadly, the feeling was still there. 

Not as heavy as before, it had lightened up much after lovemaking. However, an odd feeling stayed with them. A tiny voice telling both of them that something wasn’t right. 

That feeling not completely disappearing made Ivan feeling defeated. He was sure after the playful bath and returning to pleasing contact would shake that emotion off. Clearly not the case, Ivan could feel his heart hurt. Closing his eyes, he leaned in closer to Alfred as he played with his chest hairs. The scent of his husband’s sweat hit his nose, but he’d be the first to admit that he liked his odor. Ivan’s mind started to haunt him, dozens of questions on the state of their relationship that he had been avoiding. Perhaps it was unrealistic for him to expect such a drastic change in a week, but his heart ached for intimacy and passion. He thought at least he could bask in a warm embrace, as Alfred’s warm body did offer some soothing.

Similar recognition of the atmosphere came to Alfred, who responded to Ivan’s strokes by playing with his hair. His eyes focused on his wet platinum blond locks, his fingers enjoying the softness. The silence gave him a moment to ponder. Throughout the week, he put the effort into light-hearted and easy conversations with his husband. They tipped toed on certain issues, and conversations weren't too deep. Nothing that could trigger a fight; it being easier to play house and act like nothing is going on. Save the tears and anger for therapy, became both of their logic. Nevertheless, walking on eggshells wouldn’t solve anything. Instead of it being sex, it clicked in Alfred’s head that a lack of honesty could be causing awkwardness. There being nothing to lose, he blurted it out, bothering without formalities. 

“I think we need to talk…”Alfred stated, his voice soft as he looked at his husband. He could feel Ivan tense up in his embrace, hinting those words scared him. Relaxing his shoulders, Ivan opened his eyes, staring at the chest hairs he had been toying with. There's an attempt to keep his breathing calm. “About what…” Ivan’s voice stayed light, avoiding having an annoyed or upset tone. The lack of eye contact made Alfred put his hand under his chin, lifting his face without a rush. Blue eyes meeting, Alfred lost himself for a moment before speaking up again. “About what we said in therapy… I feel like I… hurt your feelings. Or, you feel a certain type of way… That you aren’t telling me…” He looked at his lips, back at his eyes. “We shouldn’t only talk about things in there… I feel like we are just… sinking into old habits…” Referring to make up sex, which the couple had committed. His heartbeat rose as he waited for an answer from his husband. The man had stayed silent for a moment, before sighing and sitting up. Pulling his knees up and wrapping his arms on them, he looked to the bathroom door, airing out grievances. 

“... I suppose you can say you hurt my feelings… It is, I…” He seemed lost for words, trying to verbalize his emotions. He feared rejection and abandonment more than anything, and now he’s unable to kick off the feeling that if they fought again, Alfred would leave. He dug his fingers into his legs, his chest starting to stab itself. For some reason, his skin felt cold again. “-It is hard to hear all those things, that is all. It hurts that you….” His throat tightened up, as he could feel tears pool up in his eyes. He despised how emotions were overtaking him with ease, but he had to face the consequences of him continuously bottling them up. They’d surface somehow.

“It hurts that you are so… ready to leave me, that you have one foot out the door-” Once his lips confessed it, he gave up on keeping tears in his eyes. His eyes were foggy, a few tears falling down his cheeks, as he tried to hold back any sobbing. His attempts were void, as a few upset breathes slipped out. Ivan could feel his heartbeat erratically, like they were making love again. “I did not think we, that I was so bad, and hearing you say it… It makes me sad that you want to leave me…” Unable to hold back, he started to sob, as every insecurity he’d been pushing down became front and center. All fears and anxieties about himself and his relationship blocked anyway for him to stay calm and collected. Speaking on it made it feel more genuine and a reality, he couldn’t talk himself out of his self-hatred anymore. Any pride Ivan had was more of a facade than anything. The man hated himself, ever since he was little, to a grown adult. The dislike for himself is a mindset he didn't grow from. A single thought repeated itself like a broken record. 

‘Everyone always leaves me.’

Witnessing the reaction, Alfred sat up and wrapped his arms around his crying spouse. A cracked voice and eyes filled with tears from his husband caused a feeling of heartache unmatched by anything else. It provoked quick responses, as his chest started to tingle from the sight. His fingers rubbed against Ivan’s bare shoulders and arms, trying to keep him in a tight embrace. Once those words hit his ears, he knew the insecurities that festered in Ivan’s mind. His husband sniffled as Alfred tried to warm him up. Ivan had a habit of feeling cold to the touch, as lovemaking is seemingly the only time it would get hot. Even then, it disappeared rapidly. 

“Baby- No- I don’t have one foot out of the door… That’s not true at _all_!” He argued, his expression disappointed. It pained him to know the worries that Ivan had started to believe, as they were furthest from the truth. “I’m not ready to… pack up and leave you. I don’t want to. That’s the last thing I want… I want us to work, it’s why I try-” He explained, knowing that it could be hard to process or believe when his demand for therapy came with a threat of divorce. Alfred had a difficult time trying to express his love for Ivan, but his hate for their fighting an unhealthy dynamic. He viewed them as two different concepts; he could love and want to stay married to Ivan. And at the same time, he could want something functional. It was becoming clear that Ivan had trouble differentiating the two. As if Alfred not enjoying the chaos meant he didn’t love him. 

Part of Alfred’s patience with his husband is his understanding that what they viewed as healthy were two different standards. Getting to know Ivan, it became clear that he had a poor understanding of what normal is. His upbringing and past relationships had Ivan knowing toxicity. Alfred couldn’t expect normal, well adjusted thinking from a person who spent their entire life surrounded by turmoil. Aware of it, this made Alfred have a forgiving and understanding mindset with Ivan that most people lacked. While others would judge and think of him as a bad person, Alfred understood; even if he got upset or frustrated. 

“I love you, I really do- and you would have to do something insane for me to stop. But I can’t handle the up and down either. And I can’t have my kids around it. And I know…” He sighed and squeezed Ivan. His embrace is protective, avoiding letting him go. “I know it’s me too. I know it’s not just you. Some of the things I say and do… they aren’t okay.” He confessed. Alfred had enough self-awareness to admit it wasn’t an Ivan problem, it was a them problem. Despising seeing his spouse sob, pain in his chest worsened as he tried to fight making his tears. Ivan’s silence worried him, and his refusal to look at him either. It’d make Alfred distraught if everything he said went one ear and out the other. Moments like these were when he wished Ivan’s mind would back down from insecurities and fear, and listen. 

His partner stayed quiet during Alfred’s confession. Listening and taking it to heart, he wanted to believe him. A tiny, pestering voice in the back of his mind told Ivan that Alfred was lying about wanting to be with him. And that he only had said those things because of his crying. Working towards fighting against his paranoia, it did comfort him to see Alfred’s reaction and response to his worries. A few tears ran down his cheeks as he sniffled, turning his head from the door and now looking down at his knees. Still avoiding eye contact, he spent the moment processing everything said. It felt relieving to hear the proclamations of love, as I love you’s made Ivan’s heart warm up, additionally when it came from Alfred. Fighting the urge to deny his partner’s devotion, he took in a deep breath, trying to relax his nerves. Opening up did cause a feeling of relief. The tenseness in his body lessened in Alfred’s strong arms. Leaning into his hold more, accepting the love his husband is offering. 

“... I love you, too… I do not like fighting… Or yelling… Or the mean things we say… I do want to change it, I- I think… I am sad because I wonder if I am wired like this… Or if I will ever change…” He questioned his ability to grow, there times were he felt stagnant as if he couldn’t fix behaviors that have caused him drama throughout the years. His comments were met with rejection, as Alfred shook his head and kept Ivan close to him. “Anybody can change. Stop saying that.” He demanded, squeezing him as he worked on wiping tears from his lover's face. Ivan’s soft cheeks had turned red, stained with droplets of sadness. His husband’s thumb pushed away every tear, wanting to see a clear face and dry eyes. Alfred’s loving behavior made him question some of the tactics he used to hurt his husband. Recalling the comment about his ex, he sniffled and took advantage that one arm had been unwrapped from him, making it so he could use one. He played with Alfred’s blond locks, the smooth hair soft against his fingertips. 

“Does… Me mentioning Yao… It hurts you, a lot… More than I think it does, Yes?”

Alfred nodded without shame, using this moment to be honest. “Of course. I know… You loved him a lot… And he made you happy… And I worry if, I- I don’t know… If he said he’d marry you, that you would drop me in a second…” Slipping out a fear, needing clearness with his emotions. It's the route for the pair to get past issues. Pretending they didn’t exist isn't working. From what Ivan tells about their relationship, they didn’t argue as much. Alfred’s worries hitting his ears, Ivan took this chance to reassure his husband, like his husband did earlier. He saw the pain in Alfred’s voice and eyes; it cut deeper than Ivan originally believed. Something he viewed as petty behavior could come off as straight cruel. No gift or offer of love could make Ivan stray away from Alfred. Shaking his head, he put his arms on Alfred’s neck, frowning as he kissed his forehead. 

“No… I would never… I loved him, yes… And I will always care for him, but…” the Russian sighed, admitting himself the truths of his past relationship. “... He did not love me enough….” Ivan’s eyes looked upset, as confessing that aspect would always hurt. “He did not love me enough to get married… Or have children… Or be open… But you … you do…” Ivan kissed Alfred’s forehead again with care, running his fingers through his puppy’s hair. “You love me enough to marry me, have children with me… And you are so proud to have me…” A slight smile formed on Ivan’s full lips. “Always holding my hand… Telling everyone I am your husband… Never ashamed of me… You love me in many ways others could not…” His voice got lower, and his accent got a bit heavy as he could feel tears well up in his eyes again. “It is why I am so afraid to lose you; I do not… I would never find someone like you again. You are… special… You’ve always been…” 

Suddenly, arms were wrapped around Ivan’s stomach, pulling him down. Alfred kept his crying husband in his embrace, his lips going to his ear as they laid on the bed. “I hate it when you talk like that… You’re special too…” Alfred whispered into Ivan’s ear with a hushed, but loving tone. Kissing his ear, he kept Ivan as close as possible, as if he was protecting him from something. The quiet man had to admit that Alfred’s hold could be such a comfort at times. A feeling of safety would always wash over. With his height and demeanor, people being protective over him became a rarity. He had spent his life having people hide behind him for safety, using him as a shield. Between his sisters, the early passing of his parents, and overall chaotic life, the privilege of being secure isn't granted. 

Closing his eyes, he breathed steadily, his emotions calming down. “You make me feel very safe… As if, nothing bad could happen…” He whispered, nuzzling his lover’s shoulder as he yawned. Sex and crying left him exhausted, emotionally, and physically. His heartbeat began to slow down, as the comfort of his husband being loving soothed him. Reading the body language as a hint that they’ve spoken enough tonight, Alfred pulled a cover over them. Continuously rubbing his back, he glanced down at his husband who stayed safely in his embrace. 

_ ‘We can talk more tomorrow…’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long! School is crazy. The next two chapters are going to have flashbacks in them, and I am very excited to add it. Thank you for reading, comments and kudos make me very happy! }


	5. Chess, Weed, and Fantasies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Italics symbolize a character speaking a non-English language ]

_Three Years Ago_

_“Uno.”_

_“Oh really? Draw two.”_

In a room encased with smoke, a whine escaped from Ivan’s pouty lips as he took two cards from the pile. His eyes red, a symbol that he had inhaled the burning joint that caused the smoky atmosphere surrounding him. Wearing matching red eyes, Ivan’s ex-lover sat across from him. Yao perched himself on a black leather sofa, while Ivan sat on his knees, resting his elbows on the wooden coffee table that separated them. As there's a pile of cards connecting them, an ashtray was in the same distance. It held two joints that the pair were enjoying without shame. Both calm, their demeanors had a merely difference among their sober selves. Ivan went giddy and easy-going, while Yao stayed calm and matched Ivan’s lightheartedness. 

A smoke session amid them would feature game playing; no exceptions. It went back to their days of dating, the rituals were the same, minus sex. The alone distinction of currently and seven years ago was them playing it clothed in the living room, rather than in a bed with sheets that they used to cover their undressed selves. 

Ivan attempted to stay focused, as much as he could at least, on winning the simple card game. On the coffee table, a large red board with pieces that adorned Chinese symbols scrawled all over. The last two hours spent playing Chinese chess; a game that Yao would dominate religiously. Perhaps stereotypical, Ivan had spent his childhood playing chess if he wasn’t dancing or studying. It translated into a hobby during his adult years, with him having extreme talent, beating most people he played-including _Americans_. Nevertheless, Yao proved his unparalleled gift of beating him back to back, in both Chinese and regular chess. The Chinese version had additional complexities the international version lacked, coupled with that and Yao’s age, he obtained the upper hand. Years of playing with Yao made him better, and while he indeed would win a decent amount- it’s unarguable that Yao could crush him in both games. 

_“I’m going to win. I kicked your ass at everything today, huh?”_ Yao said in Russian. He had spent some of his youth studying in Russia, making him knowledgeable enough to make it the language they most used when together. Years of speaking with Ivan made him go from broken Russian to fluent. Ivan couldn't do the same for the Chinese language, but he did know a bit. It brought Ivan comfort to hear his native tongue in America. 

_“Draw four, red, oh, and Uno.”_

Having to draw additional cards made him roll his eyes, but with a tiny smile. _“Whatever, whatever, whatever…”_ Ivan teased, putting another card down. He'd get taken out of his misery when Yao plays his final card: a red eight. Placing down all his cards, he picked up the joint burning on the ashtray. Putting it to his lips, he inhaled, the smoke filling his lungs. The burning sensation combated the waves of relaxation he got from the drug. People found it surprising that Ivan smoked; alcoholism matched the Russian stereotype most had for him. However, Ivan took up smoking to substitute it for _dangerous_ vices. 

_“I’m too high to play any more games…”_

_“Hey, the strand you asked for makes you super out of it.”_

_“I knoooooow…”_ Ivan stretched his words, as he took another hit. Placing the joint back on the ashtray, he laid down on the carpet. He then rolled away from the coffee table in a playful manner. A fog occupied his mind, but a good one. The type that made him feel that nothing is ever wrong and everything would be alright. He could take notice of each hair from the carpet, touching his skin, how soft and fuzzy they were. His sense of touch on high alert, his breathing dwindled, as he relished in pure bliss. One that no one would steal from him. 

Finding Ivan’s reaction cute, Yao got off the sofa and walked past the coffee table. Closer to Ivan, he got on his knees, crawling over him. Both of his knees on each side of Ivan, he held himself up with his right hand near Ivan’s head. His left hand went under Ivan’s chin, lifting his head to look at him. Hovering over him, his black hair, which came undone from its usual ponytail, draped over his shoulders. Some of it falls over the left side of Ivan’s head, making him trapped. Forcing Ivan to look up at Yao, as turning his head would end his vision on a curtain of black hair. Fingers under Ivan’s chin, he used his thumb to trace the bottom of Ivan’s lip. He remembered the days where he’d nip and pull at it, and how he’d feel Ivan’s gasp and moans against his face as he did so. 

_“Are you alright? You seemed upset when I first came. Is something on your mind?”_ He asked, his voice relaxed and steady. Ivan stayed unfazed by Yao’s actions, a mixture of paying it no mind and marijuana clouding his judgment. He stood still- no pulling away, but no engaging either. His ex had a way of body language and touch; one where if it had been slightly inappropriate he’d stay still. Captured by the deep brown eyes that he used to yearn for. 

However, so suddenly, Yao’s vision started to change. Instead of hovering over a clothed Ivan, every article faded away, their bodies becoming exposed. As he remembered, he couldn't forget his body. The carpet they were over warped into a bed with soft silk sheets, dark red and expensive. Their surroundings evolve to a big room, one with fancy wallpaper and high priced _oriental_ furniture. A room that seemed to mock the house he lived in during his days with Ivan. Everything, nearly everything except Ivan, is different. Differences that Yao had felt his soul and body crave ever since Ivan left him. 

Combed hair turned into bed head, and Ivan had a blush with a sneaky grin. _“Because you beat me, that’s why...”_ Ivan’s hands went up to stroke Yao’s collarbone with his finger. His tip tracing a dark and detailed dragon tattoo Yao displayed on his shoulder. The tattoo went over his biceps, and down his entire arm until it hit his wrist. The same creature is on his other shoulder and arm, with elaborate artwork on his back. Ivan viewed the entire piece stunning, as it needed no explanation, it spoke for itself. Ivan’s eyes went back to Yao’s, as the man had a hold on his face. He chuckled, deciding to tease the younger man. _“Now you have to do everything I say for the rest of the night.”_ He whispered, wearing a mischievous grin on his face. He eyed Ivan’s reaction, who’s cheeks turned red at the suggestion. _"What..? That’s not fair… What would you have me do anyway?”_ He whined, a pout plastered on his face, but playful. He hoped the next command would be removing the toy placed inside of him a few sessions ago. He shifted uncomfortably under Yao, the toy hard to ignore. It pressed against sensitive spots, keeping him turned on the entire time they played. Not to mention, distracted. The man over him continued to smile and went with his flirting. Hovering over Ivan’s body made him feel the warmth coming off him. 

Shifting, he got off hovering over Ivan and laid on his side. Resting his elbow on the pillow so he could hold up his head with his hand. _“I should keep that inside you for the rest of the night. And not let you finish."_ The comment made Ivan whine again, him similarly laying on his side. Working a heartbroken expression, he attempted to pull at Yao’s heartstrings in every way he could. _“Now why would you be so cruel…?”_ His voice at a whisper. His fingers began to trail over the silk sheets, soft to the touch. Everything made Ivan feel comfortable; silk sheets, a warm room, burning essence that smelled of cinnamon. And hopefully the man he loved on top of him. Moments like this the pair both cherished, as everything stayed fun and free in the safety of Yao’s home. 

Having sympathy for his lover, he crawled back in the middle of Ivan’s legs, gripping his hands under his knees to hold his legs up and keep them open. Being on his knees had him sitting up over Ivan, making it easy to see his nearly fully hard cock, and the base of the toy protruding. Kissing the side of Ivan’s knee, a gentle smile that appeared on his lips signaled that he’d have mercy tonight. His heartbeat didn’t have the same rhythm, his calm and relaxed while Ivan’s erratic and fast. It didn’t take much for Yao to see how riled up and needy his younger love is. Talented on teasing Ivan, he could do it until tears of desperation were forming in his big, violet eyes. Yao’s knack of getting the tall, stubborn man to behave is unmatched by anyone else in the Russian’s life. 

_“Fine, I’ll be nice… But…”_ Giving in, he did look down at their cock’s. _"M_ _y hands are full. Put it in for me?”_ Asking, he relished in watching Ivan prepare himself to get fucked. Stumbling hands desperately worked; with one stroking his member, and the other moving the toy back and forth. Soft hums heard, they escaped out of both of their lips without effort. Ivan gasped every time the toy went in deeper, and squeezed Yao’s member, making him tense up himself. Both of their bodies grew hotter, with Ivan tossing the toy lazily to the side to deal with at another time. One of his arms bent back to grab the bottle of oil nearby, his hands still stumbling. All from a mix of desperation and excitement. Lathering his lover’s cock, he pushed the tip in, Yao performing the rest of the work by thrusting his hips gradually until it was inside. The tightness wrapped around him made him grit his teeth. While Ivan slipped out a gasp from the sensation of fullness. His jittery hands went under his knees to hold his legs up, giving Yao the chance to remove his hands so he could play with Ivan in other parts. Palm flat on Ivan’s soft chest, he gradually slipped it up, all the way to his neck. Gripping it carefully, a move Ivan adored, he used his thumb to push up his chin. Forcing Ivan’s head to face him, he leisurely pulled out of Ivan to prepare to go back in. Violet eyes opened up, with Yao leaning in closer to his face with a dominant glare.

_“Look at me when I fuck you.”_

Following his command, Ivan looked him in the eyes, opening his mouth to speak.

**_“You get what I’m saying, right?”_ **

Suddenly, in an instant, the entire world that Yao had slipped into disappeared, thrown into reality. Their clothes back on, his sight returned them to being on the floor of Ivan’s living room. He had still been looking down at a beautiful face, but that face had a body Yao couldn’t own. Not wanting to appear that he hadn’t listened to Ivan’s ranting, he took in a breath. Nodding his head sluggishly. _“Yes, I understand…”_ Doing the same movement Ivan had done earlier, he pulled away, and rolled to his back. Arms spread out, he closed his eyes and tried to relax from the fantasy his mind sent him. Everything felt so real; the touch, smell, noise. His world transformed into a memory of the past. Nevertheless, it was a fantasy. A time Yao could only daydream about. 

Inhaling through his nose, he sat up gradually. Yao rested his arms on his knees, attempting to calm down the erection that had started to form. He looked back to his ex, who had stayed flat down on the carpet. A plethora of things he knew about Ivan. Their closeness during the past decade proved a deep, yet complex relationship. One hard to explain to others. As arrogant as it seemed, he knew he could have kissed Ivan at that moment. He knew that Ivan would have kissed back. Plenty of opportunities through the years of Ivan's marriage, he could have ruined it. With enough persistence and swooning, he could tempt Ivan to cheat. Not enough to get Ivan to leave Alfred, per se, the quiet man is smarter than that. 

He could win an act that would cross the line that separated platonic and romantic, but he knew the man Ivan is. It would eat Ivan inside, so much guilt and disgust with himself would have him running to Alfred with tears in his eyes. Confessing anything they had done with eyes of sorrow, begging for forgiveness. Whether Alfred would stay or leave Ivan would be up to him, but there’s a way Yao could pull enough tricks to get it to happen. But he’d never do that, it meant taking **advantage** of him. 

Ivan was impulsive, he drank excessively, had a taste for several vices. The passion of the moment could make him think with his heart instead of his mind. He sought thrills; times were his depression made him feel empty, causing him to do reckless actions to feel alive. He’d disassociate; feel out of the body, out of mind. Countless times where Yao could take advantage of the reality that _Ivan had a few screws loose._

Using moments of mental weakness and instability Ivan had for his pleasure would be an act _Yao_ couldn’t stomach. Alfred is a good man, who could give Ivan things that Yao couldn’t. He saw the sparkle in Ivan’s eyes when they were together. Pleased to see the happiness Alfred would grant him. He desired Ivan to have kids and a white picket fence, the American dream. A normal life, something he couldn't provide. He had a lifestyle, and work, one where anyone who saw the tattoos on his arms would know _who_ he is, and _what_ he’s done. A lifestyle he didn’t want Ivan involved deeply in. Or better to say, not as involved as he _used_ to.

Despite his longing for their relationship, he’d smile whenever he saw Ivan delighted with his husband. True love meant putting their happiness above his own.

Standing up, he returned to his seat on the sofa. He kept his eyes on his ex, who seemed in his little world. Ivan did speak up, referring to the earlier conversation Yao hadn’t paid attention to. _“Thank you for listening… I just feel so bad for yelling at Alfred… He’s such a great husband and I can be so….”_

_“Moody?”_

_“...Mhm…”_ Humming his answer, he knew there is no denying pure facts. Realities that drove problems in his marriage. He couldn’t take his mind off his husband, even with the cannabis. The pout that got plastered on his face this morning after he snapped at him kept reappearing. The stab of guilt in his chest pestered him. Recalling how the morning went, he replayed the moment where he snapped at Alfred, who had been squeezing his hips and placing gentle kisses on the back of his neck. On edge; he got snippy and shrugged him off. 

Before they could say more, they heard a door open and close from the living room. Ivan sat up, blinking as he expected Alfred to come over and greet him. _'Honey, I'm home!'_ had been a playful phase he heard often. His prediction isn’t wrong, as a laugh from Alfred echoed in the other room. The smell of cannabis hit Alfred’s nose, with him used to the smell. Following its trail, he stepped in to see his husband and his ex surrounded by smoke, drugs, and board games. It wasn't an unusual sight, he raised a brow and had an airy laugh. “You guys look like you had fun…”

Ivan moved a bit to the side to offer room for Alfred, patting the space near him. “Want some?” He switched to English, offering the burning substance to his husband. In the mood, he sat next to him, taking it into his hand. “Love to.” Placing it to his lips, he inhaled until he could feel his lungs full. The burning sensation overridden by the bit of calmness he felt, although a heavy feeling would come later. Tensed and stress from work made it easy to accept a smoke session. A light hand on his back, he eyed his husband, who displayed a soft smile. One that he had missed in the last few days. Ivan asked about work, with Alfred replying the usual ‘It’s boring.’ 

“Well, I will cook you whatever you want for dinner.” Ivan promised, playing with the back of Alfred’s hair. The sweet behavior mixed with the domestic rewards had a warm feeling develop in Alfred’s chest. With how their morning went, Alfred had a tad bit of a worry that Ivan would be still upset when he came home. At work, he had sat and thought of a few ideas to cheer Ivan up if that were so. He couldn’t have his husband miserable. Bashful smiles on his lips were sought after. 

Alfred leaned into his husband’s hair playing, having a soft spot for the sensation. His eyes trailed to Yao, who had a small smile on his face. It didn’t upset Alfred that they had both smoked in their living room. He rather Ivan do such things in his house. With cards and board games spread everywhere, it appeared that it had been innocent hanging out. Nevertheless, Alfred didn't view the inappropriate behavior Yao had done before he got there. He’d change his tune if he witnessed it. 

“Alfred…” Ivan began to speak, fingers twirling his blond locks. “I am sorry for being mean this morning, I was just-”

**“Moody?”**

The perfect timing caused a burst of laughter to leave Yao, who found it humorous that Alfred had said it the same way. His upper body shaking a bit from laughing, he eyed Ivan with a smirk. “I am not the only one, huh?” the teasing got Ivan to blush and stick his tongue out at him. “Whatever…” Yao’s teasing made Alfred join in, who regularly enjoyed seeing Ivan blush and getting to poke fun. He gave a kiss to Ivan’s jaw, his soft lips hitting hot skin “It’s alright, we know you have a good heart… Just a moody one.” They kiss and comment made Ivan smile himself, as he knew Alfred meant no harm in his light teasing. He found himself excited to have his cheerful husband next to him. The bad day with negative memories harassing him is cured with Alfred’s sunshine-like smile. The good mood in the room had the couple leaning against each other. 

Seeing that they needed _alone_ time, Yao took it as an excuse for his exit. Using the ashtray to put out the blunt, he stood up and walked around the coffee table. “I should go home, I have a, uh, a family I should go to.” The statement was somewhat truthful, he knew his child is home from school, and his wife must be doing something. Seeing that he wanted to escape being the third wheel, Ivan gave a lazy wave, still in a bit of bliss. “Stay safe…” He wished, staying seated since Yao could find his way out. Waiting to hear the door close before turning to Alfred, he grinned since he had an opponent he could beat.

“Want to play chess?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ I was excited to show Yao's and Ivan's relationship. Flashbacks are fun to write. Kudos and comments make my soul happy. ]


	6. Chapter 6

“It’s beautiful out, isn’t?”

A chipper voice made Ivan turn his head. His wet hands played with Alfred’s chest hair. They had been sitting in the shallow part of the pool for a few minutes. Both wearing sunglasses to protect themselves from the hot Texas sun, Ivan had an additional long brimmed sun hat, giving his face and shoulders extra protection. Pale and foreign, his body is at the mercy of the sun, who could be rather unforgiving. Ivan adored hot weather, but he needed extra protection. He envied how Alfred’s skin would tan instead of turning red. Although, he couldn’t deny he found the sun-skinned look attractive. 

_“Mhm… When I was a teenager, back home… I used to daydream about living somewhere warm…”_ He confessed in Russian. Ivan had a complex relationship on speaking Russian with Alfred. In periods of tension, he found himself only speaking English. Their increase of getting along caused him to feel comfortable slipping into his native tongue. Alfred had started to study Russian when they first dated. Grilled on his last marriage on his inability to speak her native language. Desiring to impress, he put effort into learning Russian. Visiting the country several times, and living with one helped. Nevertheless, Ivan’s English would stay better than Alfred’s Russian. While in emotional moments he’d desire speaking Russian, he tried to stay in English for Alfred’s sake. With Alfred’s Russian broken, he didn’t need Alfred to either not understand him or mistranslate. Although, he couldn’t help it every time. 

Ivan’s hair playing turning to light strokes on his chest. Heat made him feel safe and alive. His skin had a habit of feeling cold to the touch, with the sun and Alfred the two things to warm it up. While thinking how he melted in his husband’s embrace, he got that. A strong arm over his shoulder, that radiated heat on his icy surface. Leaning in, he turned his face over and offered a quick kiss on the lips. A pair of soft lips meet each other, with smiles developing on their faces. Alfred used the hand that wasn’t on Ivan’s shoulder to play with the rim of his hat. “You lookin’ cute.” He complimented, getting Ivan to snuggle up closer to him. Sweet words from Alfred gave a fuzzy sensation growing in his chest, causing mutual doting behavior. The couple starved for attention, Ivan started laying his legs on top of his husband’s. Alfred leaned in to nip his ear. 

On his way to trap Ivan’s earlobe with his teeth, a ringing sound made him pause. Turning his head to glance at his phone, he saw it was a text message from a friend. Viewing it as unimportant compared to loving up on his partner, he turned his head facing Ivan and tried to lean in. However, a shoulder attempted to push him. Going from a gentle smile to a stoic expression, Ivan wanted to know who had texted his husband. It irked Ivan to have someone reach out to his husband when getting _loved_ on. It brought on irritation, with Alfred praying that enough kisses and sweet talk would get Ivan to forget it. “Just one of my friends, anyway… Come here-”

Before Alfred could smooch him more, Ivan reached over and grabbed his phone from Alfred’s side. Knowing the password, he got inside his notifications. Seeing the name Maria on the contact, he raised a brow. His heart started to beat faster; he hated her. The woman is stunning, with tan skin, beautiful curly hair, and a perfect hourglass figure. On the spot of Alfred’s type, he felt threatened by her. They’d been friends for years, and Ivan found himself jealous. Even when the woman got into a relationship, he still felt weary of her. That and many of Alfred’s friends, he nonstop would go through Alfred’s phone, making sure that no one would get comfortable. 

Opening the message, he read the innocent “ **How’s the trip going?”** She sent him. Scrolling up on the conversation, he read everything. Ivan realized that Alfred was opening up to her on their troubles this past week.

**“we aren’t fighting, but its awkward.”**

**“Have you thought about doing something romantic for him?”**

**“yeah, but I dont know what. i was thinking about going somewhere maybe.”**

**“When was the last time you two went on a vacation?”**

**“ah man. not since valentines day.”**

**“A resort is a great idea. Especially if you pay for it lol”**

**“oh, thats a good idea.”**

The conversation was friendly and harmless. There hadn’t been any trash talking or rude comments. When scrolling up more, topics such as work, relationships, and hobbies were discussed. Alfred talked how happy he was that he and Ivan weren't fighting at least. Blinking a few times, he clicked the home screen button, and returned Alfred's phone next to him. A bit stiff, he leaned into Alfred’s arms silently. Lack of questioning or rude comments were Ivan’s way of letting it go. Hands on his chest, he played with Alfred’s chest hair. Annoyed, Alfred didn’t speak, nor did he lean in and return to kissing him. The weeks of fighting made Ivan snooping through his phone less. Bothered by his husband’s questioning is a habit he’s forgetting Ivan did. Reminded of the lack of trust, it put the romantic in a pissed mood. 

Clearly bothered, Ivan tried to make up for his jealous behavior. Twirling Alfred’s chest hair with his finger, he used his other arm to stroke the back of Alfred’s head. Wearing a frown, Alfred didn’t react to Ivan’s touching. He had endless thoughts on Ivan’s suspicious behavior, and why. He didn’t fight Ivan’s going through his phone. Alfred had nothing to hide, and he felt that rejecting Ivan’s request would start additional fights. However, he started to question if he shouldn’t let Ivan go through his phone. Sick of the constant accusations, would demanding privacy start to end the fights? He’d given in to showing since he didn’t have guilty behavior. Ivan would try to turn things problematic. Coming off like he tried to cause issues on purpose. 

Hating the silence, he wanted sweet behavior. _“You should go back to kissing me.”_ He told, hoping that being blunt would reward him. Verbalizing the need for intimacy would get him it. Eyes lingering on Alfred’s mad expression, he's rejected. “Not really in the mood now.” Voice stern, being playful, had disappeared at the moment. “You not trusting me is kind of a mood killer.” he explained, being honest. Nothing ruined the moment more than the reminder of Ivan’s lack of trust and respect of privacy. Being under the lens after five years is beyond exhausting. He wished for the day that it would click in Ivan’s brain that he wouldn’t cheat. If he was a petty person, he’d cheat for the sake of it. 

“I trust you…” Ivan said quietly, in an unconfident voice that returned to English. He sounded like he didn’t believe the statement himself. The lie made Alfred snort and shake his head, “No, you don’t.” He crossed his arms, making Ivan have to pull his hand from Alfred’s chest. Pouting, Ivan picked up his phone and offered it to his husband. “You can go through mine as well. I do not mind.” Alfred rarely did so. Ivan thought encouraging his husband to look would ease the mood. Shaking his head, Alfred proved that it didn’t. 

“I don’t need to. I trust you.”

His calm and low voice made Ivan tense up. Pouting, he felt bad that he ruined their moment. Knowing that being cute worked as a problem solver, he placed his phone down. Staying close, he took his hand and used his finger to trace Alfred’s collarbone and chest. His other hand went to Alfred’s head to stroke his hair. “You are so handsome…” He whispered, his voice sugary, sweet. “I wish we played more yesterday…” Wording coy, he had a talent for speaking dirty in an innocent manner. Touching and being flirtatious was the biggest trick in the book he had. Apologizing instead of taking accountability is a commonplace habit. 

“Oh, yeah?” Alfred responded in a disinterested voice. He kept still, no reaction to Ivan’s flirting. Alfred didn't want to give in, he closed his eyes and tried to ignore Ivan’s soft fingertips. “Mhm. I will make it up to you. You can choose the game tonight.” Keeping up with coy remarks, he kissed Alfred’s cheek. Sighing, Alfred closed his eyes and brought up the habit that irked him. “How about you just say _sorry_.” His voice clear and stern. Pausing, Ivan's throat felt dry as he’s forced to confess a wrong doing. “I am sorry… I was being rude…” his voice low and lacked the seduction it had prior. His eyes went down and looked back up to his husband's annoyed expression. He's coded to avoid apologizing and admitting faults. Ivan confessed his wrong doings once called out. 

“It’s alright.” Alfred replied in the least convincing voice. Pouting, Ivan’s fingers twirled in Alfred’s chest hairs. Ivan felt clueless on what to do next. They were in the pool of a resort, with Alfred unhappy. Deciding to give in and ask, he spoke with a disheartening tone. “... Do you want me to… give you space?” Waiting for a response with an uneasy stomach, only getting another sigh made him answer for Alfred. “... I am going to go to the hot tub… If you need me, I will be there…” Ivan’s voice sounded sad, an awful stabbing in his chest. Standing up, he grabbed his phone and walked over to the empty hot tub. Sitting down, he let the hot water warm his icy skin. The current in the tub felt relaxing. Alone due to his own misbehavior, the silence made him think of his jealousy in regards to Alfred. 

Ivan’s cycle is predictable. He gets jealous, over reacts and questions Alfred’s loyalty. Followed by being proved wrong and Ivan having to make up to Alfred. He couldn’t pinpoint what made him do the same behavior each time. It’s his instinct, a reaction automatic. 

_'I ruin everything.'_ Ivan thought, angry with himself. While he hated the questioning during therapy, he’d put that aside to ask for coping skills. Ivan’s bad habits had slapped him in the face this moment. With the addition of he knew a professional trained on helping through issues as these. It made his usual ' _It's just me, I can't help it'_ defense void. Going back and forth in his head on if he overreacted. His sulking state didn’t notice a man sat next to him until they spoke. 

“Beautiful day, ain’t it?” the man’s accent hinted that he’s a local, Ivan blinked under his sunglasses and smiled. A friendly soul, he responded to the stranger. “Yes, I can not be the only one enjoying it as well.” Fixing his posture, he's drawn into the conversation. Willing to take a distraction, the pair chatted on various topics. Ivan would speak to anyone who’d come up to him. He loved to make friends. As long as someone is sweet and respectable, Ivan didn’t shy from chatting with another person. 

While the two gossiped, Alfred’s hidden eyes stared at them. Thankful for sunglasses hiding his gaze, he watched them interact. Taking note of the strangers body language, it caused his annoyance to get worse. Smirking, leaning in a bit too close, and eyes that ate up Ivan’s body. Gritting his teeth, he questioned if Ivan was pulling the trick of making him jealous as punishment. It tended to only work in regards to Yao, strangers were easy to scare off. He didn’t find them threatening; simply bothersome. Simple showing off made them _fuck_ off. 

Keeping an eye, he watched the man pull at the rim of Ivan’s sunhat. Ivan laughed and pointed to it, obvious that he made a joke or compliment on it. Ego bothered, he decided it was time for the stranger to leave. Upset, and he didn’t need someone flirting and touching his husband in front of him. Standing up, he felt the cool water drip down his legs as he walked over. Slipping into the water, he threw his arm on Ivan’s shoulder, pulling him close. Ivan looked over to see his husband. Delighted to have him back but showing affection, he grinned and pointed to him. “This is Alfred!” Not adding in that he’s Ivan's husband hinted that Ivan said it earlier. 

The two greeted each other, with Alfred’s tone disinterested and the strangers neutral. Ivan returns telling his story, with the man keeping his too-friendly expression. Deciding to make a statement, Alfred kept quiet and played with Ivan’s hair. Pushing it behind his ears and stroking, it’s his way of saying _‘Only I get to play with this toy’_. Under his sunglasses he saw the man glance back at Alfred and his smile lessen. His grin grew again when he looked at the chatty Russian, with him playfully pulling Ivan’s sunhat again. Ivan didn’t pick up on the subtle competition of his attention. 

While Alfred gave dirty looks under his sunglasses, Ivan leaned into his touches. In the back of his mind, he assumed this is Alfreds way of showing forgiveness. Delighted, he took one hand and put it on Alfred’s thigh. “Oh, and then I-” Ivan began to speak, but a woman’s voice interrupted him. Turning his head, his eyes hit the tall blonde speaking to his new friend. “We’re gunna be late!” She complained, putting her hands on her hips. Rolling his eyes, the man grinned back at Ivan. “Well, it’s nice talking to you. _Hopefully_ I’ll see you around.” He winked at Ivan, and walked off with his partner. 

Eyes watching him walk to her, Ivan turned and grinned at Alfred. Opening his mouth to speak, he’s interrupted by his husband. “I don’t know why trying to make me jealous is a good idea when I’m _already_ upset with you.” His voice low, he didn’t want to make a scene in front of others. A feeling of disappointment washed over Ivan. His heart hurt and his stomach tingled. Thrown into square one with this situation added frustration. Wanting to defend himself, but he didn't want to fuel the fire, he explained himself with a gentle voice. “I was not trying to… He came up to me and we simply started to chat. That is all.” Us ually he would have a sharper and annoyed tone at this accusation. However, desiring to appear _‘good’_ and avoid fighting had him reel in that side. 

Scoffing, Alfred brushed aside the excuse and rolled his eyes. Thinking Ivan is too smart to play dumb, he called it out. “You’d have to be pretty blind or _stupid_ not to see he was into you.” His voice reeked of harshness and annoyance that stung Ivan’s heart. He isn't used to Alfred being so blunt and rude, he could feel his body tensing up. 

“Now you are being the mean, jealous one…” Ivan said with a defeated voice. The day becomes increasingly awful by the minute. Crossing his arms, he could feel tears swelling up in the corners of his eyes. He thought giving Alfred space would lighten his mood. To have it backfire caused frustration. Hearing it in Ivan’s voice, a tingle in Alfred’s chest grew. _‘I might have go_ _ne too far…’_ He thought. Turning his head to Ivan, he picked up on Ivan’s red face. Guilt growing, he used his common tactic to remedy the situation. “Want to get something to eat? They have a really nice restaurant here…” He offered. Throwing gifts and money worked at times to cheer Ivan up. 

Taking the bait, he nodded and took a breath. Uncommon for him to give in so easily, however, he lacked the emotional energy for pettiness and anger. If Alfred wanted to make up via money and bribes, he’d let it slide. He wished to get along. Nodding, he got out the hot tub, wanting Alfred to follow him. “Let us go.” He said, with Alfred following. He placed his arm on Ivan’s lower back, his fingers playing with Ivan’s wet waistband. His husband didn’t react to his touch; not pulling away but not leaning in either. They silently walked inside the resort until they found themselves in the hotel room. 

“Wanna jump in the shower to get this pool water off?” Alfred asked, pointing to the bathroom door. Ivan isn't in the mood to get naked and close with his husband. Nevertheless, they did need to get rid of the chlorine from their skin. Soon they were under hot water, scrubbing each other with hotel soap. Alfred flirted as an attempt to cheer Ivan up. First is a playful pinch, followed by a grab to the waist. His husband's touches made a tiny smile grown on Ivan's lip's. He started to play back, splashing water into Alfred's face. Over time the pair returned to a light hearted state, both of their minds attempting to put the past behind. 

They went through the motions of showering and got dressed. Lacking the same amount of tension from earlier. Drying, doing hair, picking clothes. Casual conversation between acts. Sadly, their relaxed aura is crushed when Ivan receives a text message from his ex partner/best friend. Ivan ignored it, too focused on brushing his teeth in the bathroom. It on the dresser however, made it in Alfred's vision. Curiosity taking over, he picked up Ivan's cell phone. He eyed the name and the message under it. Once read, Alfred's heart raced as his blood began to boil. 

**'How are you doing my love?'**

Alfred stared at the message, reading the text repeatedly. It's in Russian, but he's proficient enough to read the language. His eyes scanned the letters, wanting to make sure he understood the message. Tapping his foot, he's caught by Ivan when he walked out the bathroom. Ivan noticed his husband glaring down at his phone. "Are you alright?" He asked, nervous on the material Alfred had his eyes on. Met with furious baby blues, the bad mood returned. "You're such a hypocrite, you know that right?" Alfred said, placing the phone down. Confused, Ivan picked it up and read the message. Unable to see the problem he questioned Alfred again. "What are you mad about now?" 

Rolling his eyes, Alfred shook his head. "You know, if someone said that to _me_ , you'd lose your shit! I can't even have friendly conversations, but your ex can call you his _love_. Fucking ridiculous." He stood up straight, crossing his arms. Defensive from the accusations, Ivan dismissed him. Russian isn't Alfred's first language, and this is a moment of mistranslation. "The way in Russian he said it can refer to friends. It is not the same as in English. You are overreacting." Ivan placed the phone in his pocket. He'd never admit to having a too close relationship to Yao. Nor that he's hypocritical with his rules for Alfred. It's different, and Alfred needed to understand it. 

Hearing the excuse, Alfred scoffed. " _No_ , it's the same. And it's not fair! He can sweet talk you, give you gifts, and treat you like a boyfriend and it's always okay!" Alfred threw his hands up in frustration. "You have this _weird_ fucking double standard, that I can't stand. You throw a fit when my friends text me, or hug me, or act like friends. But god forbid I get annoyed about your ex that likes to forget he has a goddamn wife!" He spat, venting his grievances. Put under Ivan's jealous lens, he spent the past five years defending his relationships, while dealing with Ivan's inappropriate one. The fight from earlier made the small text message a larger deal if they hadn't fought today. It reminded Alfred that Ivan didn't trust him and that fact hurt. 

Offended by Alfred's outburst, he bite back. "You are dramatic and I do not have the energy to deal with it." He raised a hand and walked away, sitting on the sofa. He didn't desire to engage in another argument. Ivan thought that Alfred had picked fights all day, and this added to the list. Sitting silently, he crossed his arms and prayed that Alfred would drop the subject. His prayers weren't answered, as getting called dramatic worsened Alfred's mood. ".....You know what, I'm changing the password to my phone. You can't go through it anymore." Aware that those were fighting words, he got the exact reaction he sought. Ivan turned his head and scowled. "Uh, _no_ you are not." Eyes narrowing, his inner jealousy exposed oneself. He required the power to go into Alfred's phone as he pleased. It relaxed his anxieties having the ability to know if Alfred is acting out of line or cheating. That power taken caused panic. 

"Uh, _yes_ I am. It's my phone, I pay the bill." Alfred said calmly, returning to dressing. Letting the dynamic change, now Ivan became the upset half. "I am your husband, I have a right too! You can not hide things from me!" 

"I'm not hiding anything. You need to fucking respect my privacy."

"If you are not hiding anything, then _why_ can I not see it?"

"Why can't you just trust me?"

"I do, you are just-"

Ivan's cut off by Alfred's rant. “ _You_ know what, _I_ think, that _you_ think, that because I’m bisexual, I’m gunna cheat on you. And you’d think after all these years you’d get over it.” He claimed, feeling like that's a possible reason. While others, Ivan's behavior with his female friends were worse. The jealousy and questioning is targeted towards them. Male friends, Ivan would still act jealous, but not at all the same. The accusation of ignorance made Ivan cross his arms. Unfortunately, the statement is somewhat true. He’d never say it, but his extra cautiousness did have roots in the stereotype. 

“No. That is not that. It is… just… I trust you… I do not trust others…” Covering it as an issue with his friends rather than Alfred didn’t work. Rolling his eyes, Alfred crossed his arms too and leaned against the dresser. “Trust others for what? You think that if someone comes onto me that I can’t control myself or something?” Hearing that rhetoric before, it commonly came from women. The excuse of why it didn’t apply to them would be _‘Men are different’_. However, he wouldn’t let it slide with his husband. The idea of _‘All men cheat, that’s_ _just_ _how it is’_ isn’t going to come from his same-sex partner. 

“... It…” Ivan fumbled with finding words in English to defend himself. Thinking he’s above other men is a mindset Ivan is guilty of. Viewing many men as slightly whorish, he viewed himself different since he didn’t partake in that behavior. “... Some men are… _just_ …” His use of some to exclude himself backfired, with Alfred raising his brow and responding in a frustrated voice. “Some? You aren’t gunna pull gender stereotypes on to me when you’re a man _too_. It’s not fucking happening! Things can’t apply to me but not to you. You can’t do that bullshit.” Looking Ivan up and down, their faces and body language both read as hostile. Ivan had flustered, since he’s losing the disagreement. His mind raced with ideas of what to say, but nothing worthwhile came up. His thought process is interrupted by Alfred’s angry voice. 

“If you, think _I_ -” He pointed his finger to his chest, slamming the tip to his heart. “-As a _man_ , can’t control myself, then _you_ must feel that way about _yourself_.” Standing straight, his frown and body language stayed strong. He isn’t backing down, nor letting Ivan use ridiculous excuses. A few ideas clicked in Alfred’s head, as saying it brought a new perspective. “You think that I have so many temptations, so I’ll cheat. Because you feel that way about _yourself._ ” Pointing at Ivan now, he told a statement that lingered in the back of his mind. “If the right man came along, with the right words, you’d cheat on me. That’s why you act like this. It’s all one big fucking projection.” 

Arms back to crossing, the anger of continuously having to defend himself festered up. His heart raced, this topic is the one that hurt the most. It infuriated him that he gave so much trust to Ivan, but got a fraction of it back. Useless fights, unnecessary questions and hurtful assumptions thrown in Alfred’s face. The back of his head questioned if Ivan acted like this because he is cheating. Or easily could. Alfred had proven himself time, and time again that he's as loyal as his nickname. Glaring at his husband, his brow raised, waiting for a response. It’s a bold statement, but nothing below what Ivan accused him of. 

The accusation of being prone to cheating, Ivan’s eyes went wide. Believing he isn’t that type of person, he felt insulted that Alfred would say it. His hands balled into a fist. His heart beating erratically as blood rushed to his face. Ivan’s mind raced for ideas to defend himself, usually he is quick with responses. Not having the words in English, he switched to his native tongue. _“I can’t believe you’d say that about me! I’m not projecting anything on to you, how dare you. I’m not that type of person!”_

Alfred threw his hands in the air, eyes wide as a look of disbelief. Dumbfounded by Ivan’s playing victim, it worsened his temper. “Don’t give me that look. You are constantly accusing me of cheating. So don’t stand here with a shocked face, as if I fucking said something you haven’t already said to me fifty times.” Trying to control the volume of his voice, he didn’t want to start yelling in a hotel. He leaned back on the dresser, looking at the ceiling. “I don’t know why you think special rules apply to you. They don’t.” Shaking his head, he took a few steps closer to Ivan. 

“I’m changing the password to my phone. That’s the end of that.” Closing his eyes, he put his palms together. Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm himself down. “Look. I love you, I don’t want to fight. Let’s just go to dinner. I’m hungry.” Pleading, he figured getting a meal would soften up his mood. Scoffing, Ivan crossed his legs, shaking his head. An amused look on his face, he rejected the offer. “You’re being an asshole to me, I don’t want to go to dinner.” The start of using _contractions_ symbolized his emotional tiredness. Ivan didn’t like using them and preferred to say both words fully when speaking English. With his accent, he noticed that he’d get less mistranslations when using full words. Especially when he first came to America with his rough English. Additionally, he thought he sounded educated. A force of habit, he’d slip when he couldn’t care less how he sounded. 

Alfred groaned at the name calling. Perhaps finding himself gracious at times, he discarded Ivan’s word with a wave. “Yeah, I know. Me taking you out the dinner. Bringing you to the resort, such _asshole_ behavior. I’m really awful. Was ordering room service this morning crossing the line?” Sarcastic and aggressive, Alfred’s anger had started to get the better of him. “Ya’ know, next time I wanna go away for a weekend, I’ll go _alone._ ” Turning around, he faced the mirror while adjusting his tie. Hands tense, he gritted his teeth while his chest pounded. The mix of emotions made him want to escape the room. The repeat of _‘stay civil’_ repeated in his mind. 

Shaking his head, Ivan’s anger made him bite back. Jealousy and rage were the formula of emotions that made Ivan lose his filter. “You can go alone, you can do whatever you want. And I’ll do whatever I want. I don’t care.” His fingers dug into his crossed arms. Fighting every urge to spit something nasty and hurtful. Verbally saying he couldn’t care is a nicer tactic that he had. Over it, Ivan was sick of an attitude. In his eyes, he tried to stay less argumentative, but Alfred had fuel today. 

Hearing the hurt in Ivan’s voice, Alfred took a deep breath. Closing his eyes and throwing back his head, he debated putting his pride aside for the sake of it. Last night was so nice. Why couldn’t today be the same? Their heart-to-heart and return to intimacy felt refreshing. Their bickering and snappy arguments felt like they went a step backwards. Gulping, he sighed and decided to let it go. Sitting down next to his agitated husband, he tried to push all his anger to the side. Between the pair, it’s a skill he had better than Ivan. Placing his hand on his shoulder, he squeezed it with care. 

“Listen- I mean it. I don’t want to fight, last night was-” before he could plead more, Ivan pushed off his hand. Scowling with a raised brow, he tilted his head. “You don’t want to fight? You have been the one picking the fights all day! All I did is check your phone. I said sorry after making you mad. I tried to be sweet….” His eyes narrowed as he recalled their day. “I even gave you space… And you only came back to me to say I was doing it to make you jealous… And then you yell at me about Yao, and say I would cheat on you-” Shaking his head, his mind raced with emotions. Today was tiring. 

“I tried to be nice, and sweet… And you… just **_mean_**.” His accent heavy on mean, his emotions were clear. Hurt and frustrated, Alfred listened to his rant with a worried expression. His selfishness and pettiness thrown into his face, he cleared his throat and decided to own up to it. Placing a hand on his thigh, Alfred leaned in and tried to make up for his asshole behavior. “.... No… You… You’re right… I’m sorry. I’ve been a jackass, today.” Seeing his hurt husband made it easier to apologize. He usually isn’t the type to hold onto grudges, today had been an expedition. He displayed a softer side to make up for it. “I just get hurt when I think you don’t trust me.” Honest, his voice soft as he rubbed his thigh. 

Ivan stayed quiet for a moment. Listening to Alfred’s voice, he heard him being sincere. The low tone that lacked aggression. Exhausted emotionally, and desiring for closeness, he’d let it go. For now. Sighing, he closed his eyes and looked over. His heart argued with him to stay mad, while his mind told him to get over it. Rethinking last night, and how peaceful it felt for Alfred to hold him again. Tight in his arms, tears down his cheeks. A feeling of safety over taking him. Soul tired, his mind won the debate. As if his body couldn’t handle any additional anger. 

“... Can we order room service? I just… want to eat and sleep.” 

_________________________________________________

**_The Following Tuesday_ **

“Happy to see you two! How has your week been?”

Bright and cheery, Emma greeted her clients. Their expressions appeared not as strained as the previous session. Curious on how they’ve gotten along since last time she saw them, she questioned. Looking between the pair, Ivan had a pillow in his lap and stared off at the wall. Alfred’s the only one that would look at her. She wondered if zoning out is Ivan’s coping skill for his uncomfortableness with therapy. Eyeing back at Alfred, he’s the partner that decided to speak. 

“I think it went mostly well. A lot of stuff happened.” He looked over to his husband, only to see his usual staring off. Turning back to Emma, he explained more. “We went away for the weekend to a resort.” Rubbing the back of his neck, he wondered how he should explain the events. He didn’t know if Ivan would feel flustered if he confessed their return to sex. He felt like it’d be important to bring up. Ivan’s disinterest in speaking made it difficult. 

Tilting her head, it pleased her to hear the pair enjoying themselves. “Oh? What happened? Did it go well?” Prepared for a story, her ears perked up. 

Pausing for a moment, Alfred glanced back to Ivan before her. “Well, we went to a resort nearby because of the holiday weekend. And uh, the first night was really great. We talked a lot.” Alfred wished Ivan would speak up a bit. Nevertheless, Ivan kept quiet, expecting his husband to share the story. “There’s been this weird feeling between us… even if we were getting along, and happy, there was… I can’t describe it. Just something in the air. But…” Shrugging, Alfred looked down at the ground, then back up in her eyes. “... We talked about it. I think Ivan was really hurt that I said I wanted to leave him if things didn’t get better… And I was kind of hurt by all the ex stuff. But talking about it was really nice…” 

Blues looking over at his husband, he blinked and waited for someone to say something. He didn’t mind speaking, he just didn’t want to only hear his perspective. He wanted to hear how Ivan viewed things. Picking up on the glancing, Emma turned her questions to Ivan. “Ivan… how was your weekend? Do you feel the same way?” She couldn’t expect Ivan to open up naturally, he’s a personality that required questions to respond. Over time that wall would go down, but currently being forward when questioning had to be her tactic. 

Silence taking over for a few seconds, Ivan thought carefully on his response. “Yes. It was nice to get things off my chest. We had one bad day… but everything else was… perfect.” He couldn’t find another word to describe it. The food, the room, the love making. The calm bonding time, minus their day of arguing, didn’t have any complaints. No noticeable flaws, as with acts of kindness similar to that Ivan is grateful for. Alfred is the spoiling type, and the warm feeling in his chest from such thoughtful behavior. 

Hearing about a poor day, Emma wanted to learn more. However, the desire to start the session on with positives overridden that. What went wrong would be discussed later. “What was good about it? I want to know what is considered a nice time between you two.” She asked. Eager to talk about the weekend, Alfred spoke up first. 

“I liked that we were able to talk through that awkward feeling we were having… I thought it was a nice moment…” Looking up, he listed the activities that he enjoyed between them. “We just relaxed… Went out to eat, to the pool. Watch movies, nothing crazy but… I like one on one time with him…” Alfred looked over to his husband who stayed in his dazed off position. He slipped out a fact that he’d put high on the list of went right that weekend. “...We started having sex again, too…” the confession made Ivan’s eyes go wide, and cheeks red. Not expecting Alfred to let their therapist know details of their sex life, he could feel his face get hot. He only spoke about intimacy with close friends, as strangers or newer folks made him flustered. Looking down with embarrassment, his mouth stayed shut. He’d scold Alfred, but his comment proved true. Having sex let out plenty of pent up anger and aggression. All that stored inside him the past few weeks. 

Witnessing the reaction, Emma smiled lightly. Used to a shy partner with a more bold half, she trended lightly on this topic. “That is positive to hear. Do you two feel like you have a satisfying sex life?” The question caused a grin from both men. Ivan’s bashful, with Alfred’s cocky. They nodded at the same time, Alfred playfully nudging Ivan. “Well, do we? How _terrible_ am I in bed?” He teased. The joking made Ivan roll his eyes, a smile still on his face as he looked over. Biting back in a teasing manner, he responded. “Quite terrible, _really_.” The comment got both the therapist and Alfred to snicker. 

The lighthearted joking helped the aura of the room. Humor aided in opening up Ivan to the topic of intimacy. “... I was probably about to give in anyway…” His voice light, embarrassed on admitting his need for sexual contact. “It had been so long…” His commonly pale skin had a hue that Alfred found stunning. He adored pink on Ivan; a color his body wore often. His lips, his cheeks, certain parts in between his legs, and his rear when punished with a few smacks. Such a beautiful color, he wished he could keep Ivan pink all the time. 

Hearing that the couple had gone some time without intimacy, she questioned when that began. “Define long?” She asked, eyeing Ivan but got a response from Alfred instead. “Uh, ‘bout two weeks. We’ve never gone that long before!” His answer is honest, the pair both had high sex drives, which kept them busy. _Make up_ sex is their most common tactic on _making up_. Their bodies pressed up against each other in pure bliss made it difficult to stay upset. 

The explanation of two weeks being a long time for them made Emma burst out laughing. Her loudness shocked the two. Confused by her laughing, the pair had concern on if she’s making fun of them. Has two weeks been that bad? Needing clarification, Alfred spoke up first. “What’s so funny?” His face read embarrassed. 

Shaking her head, Emma tried to calm down and explain herself. “ _Ah-_ It’s just- when couples say a _long_ time, they usually mean months, or years.” The comment made both of their eyes go wide, as that scenario sounded impossible to deal with. 

_“Months?”_ Alfred exclaimed. 

_“Years?”_ Ivan added. They both shook their heads, in sync with their disapproval. “Oh no, I could not do _years_. I do not understand couples like that.” He responded. “I don’t even like the sound of months. That’s not how we are.” Alfred grinned as he tickled the back of Ivan’s neck. The act made Ivan smile and wave him off. Intimacy is a topic the pair didn't argue. They're on the same wavelength. It’s evident with their chemistry. Despite tension, they both could find a way to grin and laugh with jokes and playfulness. It would appear confusing to some with how effortlessly the pair could go from smiling to bickering. 

Emma enjoyed seeing the interactions. Ever since their first session, she could witness their compatibility. It's one of the reasons she’s so eager to work with them. She had confidence in their future. Typically, Emma wouldn't guess this quickly. But their dynamic had a charm to it. In defiance of their upset, they could pull smiles from each other. They had a yearn for each other, and it’s key to keeping them together. 

“You two are cute. I guess it’s good that you both have… _passion_.” Still grinning, she wished the conversation could stay lighthearted, but she needed to learn regarding the fight this weekend. Asking, she stayed gentle with her approach. “Although, I’d like to hear about the bad day. Has what you two have been fighting about been resolved?” Her question answered with awkward shifting, with Ivan pouting and Alfred shaking his head. The talkative half of the couple spoke up first. “Well… We actually did want to talk about it, we wanted your opinion too. It’s a bit of a long story… but…” Alfred looked down and then back at Emma. 

He gave a basic explanation of that day. How it began nice, only to be ruined by Ivan’s jealousy and Alfred’s bad attitude. From the man in the hot tub, to their fight about Yao’s text message. Plenty of unpacking for Emma. Listening to their story, she quickly tried picking where to begin. The amount of miss steps on their day could be counted. Moments if done differently, could change the entire day. 

“Okay, so- Let’s… Start with the beginning. So Ivan, you check Alfred’s phone a lot?” She asked. Getting a nod, she continued. “I remember us talking about jealousy… Why do you feel like you have to go through Alfred’s phone? What makes you distrust him?” 

The question made Ivan pause. The excuse of _‘I don’t like his friends.’_ is his go to. Ivan's habit of manufacturing it as an Alfred issue. It’s hard for Ivan to admit he’s simply insecure. He'd accuse Alfred of being a flirt instead. Ivan had a hunch that Emma would scold him on going through Alfreds phone. Using his usual excuse, he proved to be predictable. “Alfred is… He is popular, and has a lot of friends. And some of them, I think get… too close, and I do not trust them.” His husband frowned, finding the excuse ridiculous. Learning his lesson from the last session, he bit his tongue and let Ivan speak. Even if Ivan’s white lies made his skin crawl. 

Hearing the ‘ _I don’t trust the friends’_ excuse before, she counteracted it with better logic. “You know, Alfred is a grown man. He can control himself, so unless you view him as vulnerable, are you sure it isn’t something else?” Her analysis made Ivan tense up, being called out on his nonsense made him work harder on covering it up. “It is not that he is vulnerable, it is… I do not want him to be tempted. That is all. I do not see the issue.” Ivan’s explanation caused no surprise for Emma. Alfred sighed and rolled his eyes, tapping his food as he tried his best to stay quiet. The therapist noticed it in the corner of her eye. 

“You say tempted as if he can’t control himself. Is that how you feel about Alfred?” Her simple question kept Ivan quiet for a moment. Debating on his response, he fought to sound rational and not petty. “... Alfred has self control. I am not trying to say otherwise. I think he’s…” 

Ivan’s trailing words and pausing made Alfred snap. “I’m just _what_?” He asked, voice stern, but not yelling. Ivan looked over, with him responding before Emma could correct Alfred’s interrupting. “...You are, you’re, ugh!” closing his eyes, Ivan clenched his fist together. Frustrated with his inability to come up with an answer, he attempted to hold back from appearing hostile. Alfred didn’t hide his own. “I’m what? Say it. Or I’ll say it for you; I’m bisexual, and because of that you think I’ll cheat on you.” Crossing his arms, Alfred sat back and looked to the other side. The accusation of ignorance caused Ivan’s blood pressure to rise, despising that theory. He didn’t want to admit to the slight truth of it, although there’s more.

“I- That is _not_ what I think.”

“Then what do you think? What is it? What’s the same excuse you’ll use every time!”

Emma raised a brow. It’s good to have the couple talking, nevertheless, conversations had to stay productive. Hearing accusations and anger in their voices, she tried to chime in to calm them down. But before she could, Ivan confessed honest feelings. “Because, I,...I am _just_ a jealous person. It is one of my flaws. Alright? I _am_ this way, what else do you want me to say?” Ivan shrugged and put his hands in his lap, looking down. He didn’t enjoy looking weak, but he felt cornered between Alfred and the therapist. His excuse used formerly, and it's a lesser blow than other reasons one could list. Alfred sighed, shaking his head, “You being a jealous grown man isn’t an excuse. Jealous of what? What do I not do to prove that I love you?” The question had a tone of hurt under it. It sadden Alfred to have his loyalty and love questioned so often. 

“Ivan-” Emma interjected, knowing she could get somewhere with that statement. “I remember, the first session we had, you confessed that you felt like you couldn’t compare to Alfred. And you got quite upset and left. Is that how you feel? As if someone is going to steal him away?” She kept her tone calm and concerned, trying to avoid making Ivan feel attacked. She’s aware her Russian client could be spooked. 

Ivan stayed silent for a minute, looking to the side as he also crossed his arms. While upset, his walls came to come down from the questioning.

“Yes.”

Ivan’s voice low and tried, he didn’t look Emma in the eyes, nor elaborated. He agreed, no desire to explain more. Thankful for Ivan confessing this at all, she kept her words careful and kind. “Have you always felt that way?” Simple questions could reward her with complex or deep answers, or either short ones that didn’t offer much context. Her styled approach to Ivan with keeping comments easy to answer. Alfred had the better talent of spilling out his emotions in comparison. 

Ivan kept quiet for a moment, looking down. Hating the answer, he spit it out. 

“Yes.” 

The agreeing made Alfred sigh, his eyes lingering on his husband. Disappointed by his response, he elaborated for him to the therapist. “He has like, issues with depression and stuff. And he sees a doctor, but he doesn’t take his meds.” Alfred revealed. Hearing that Ivan is in treatment, but not following isn’t a surprise. She’d run into countless folks who refused their medication, for whatever various reason they chose. Nevertheless, she didn't agree with Alfred's blurting information. "Alfred, you must let Ivan speak for himself..." The correction had the American lean back in his seat.

“Ivan, is that something you'd like to talk about?” Emma asked. Ivan tensed up, annoyance dripping in body language. Alfred had no issues airing his dirty laundry, and now their therapist is questioning a topic that ended in several heated arguments with the couple. 

_‘Alfred is such a liar… I take my medication… Sometimes…’_ Ivan thought. Responses raced in his head, looking for a way to end this conversation. Alfred bothered him enough, he couldn’t bear another voice nagging him. He had a long list of excuses he’d tell himself on why it’s acceptable. They made him gain weight. He would sweat. They didn’t work. They killed his sex drive. A long list of reasons he's exaggerating to his husband, to avoid confessing the true reason. Every time Alfred brought it up, he’d grow defensive and angry. 

_‘You just don’t like that you can’t drink on them.’_

Raising his hand, Ivan felt his heartbeat raise. Refusing to dive into this topic, he shut the conversation down. “I do not want to talk about this right now. Can we return to the phone? I am upset he changed the password. I think I have the right to go through his phone.” Emma blinked at the reverting the subject, with Alfred shaking his head in annoyance. _‘Typical…’_ Alfred thought. He isn’t going to bring up the _Xanax_ subject now, with Ivan’s mood a blow out would occur. Taking a lead from Ivan, she decided to come back to this later. “... We can come back to this in a one-on-one session… And on the phone…” Clearing her throat, she stated her opinion on Ivan’s snooping. 

“Well- The only time I feel it’s acceptable to go through your partner's phone if there’s a history of cheating and we are dealing with transparency. However, since Alfred as far as we know hasn’t, I’d advise against it. You need to have trust and respect of privacy. It’s not healthy, and you’ll always find something to get upset about.” Emma knew Ivan would despise this answer, and Alfred would feel validated. 

“Thank you.” Alfred said, grinning on the therapist's response. Feeling as if he’s _‘won’_ the argument, he sat up. Ivan rolled his eyes, his body language hostile. “I do not see why it is so wrong. If he has nothing to hide…” He defended himself, feeling like he lost the battle regarding the phone. Emma quickly corrects him on his argument. “It’s more about you respecting his privacy and having trust. Constant snooping only tells Alfred that you find him untrustworthy. You need to respect his privacy. You need to have trust. No trust or respect, means no relationship. I’d advise Alfred to keep his phone locked as he pleases.” 

Ivan gave a childish pout to her response, upset that his rights to go through Alfred’s phone were taken. His husband felt relieved, his stance on not giving in stronger. "You know, before I thought it would be easier to just say yes and agree to letting Ivan go through my phone. But I think you’re right, it just causes more problems.” Alfred analyzed, nodding as he glanced over at Ivan. Catching a glimpse of his pout, he didn’t want the session to end on a tense note. He worried Ivan’s going to stay in a sour mood the rest of the night. 

“But…” Alfred scratched the back of his neck, “I understand you Ivan, I do. I don’t think you’re a bad person for being jealous. It’s just… hard to know you question me. That’s all.” His voice sincere, he watched Ivan’s shoulders relax. These are times he wished he knew what went on in Ivan’s head. While he had some ideas, there's secrets Ivan kept to himself. His lovely, stubborn husband could be a mystery. Ivan continued his silence. He wanted to get out of therapy. He looked to his watch to check the time to see if their forty-five minutes were up. Furious over the phone and uncomfortable speaking on his medication and self esteem. 

Emma smiled slightly at Alfred’s statement. Understanding each other and sympathy is key. Deciding to end it on that, she reminded them of their individual appointments. “We can talk more this week. I’m actually excited to have our one-on-ones.” She expressed, grinning at the pair. They both nodded, with Alfred looking more cheerful than Ivan. Standing up, they shook her hand and took off to the car. Both were quietly walking down the parking lot, and into the vehicle. Alfred turned on the engine, and it isn’t far until they're on the highway, going towards home. 

Alfred looked over to his husband who spent his time gazing out the window. Using his left hand to drive, he freed his right to reach over and hold Ivan’s hand. His warm grip wrapped Ivan’s chilly hand. At the hot touch, Ivan looked over to the hand on his. His eyes went to Alfred, who glanced from the road to him for a second. A small smile on his playful lips.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. Kudos and comments make me super happy <3 ]


End file.
